DUBLIN, Ireland - After 1,600 snake-deprived years, Ireland is preparing for a reunion with its long-lost slithering friends. This spring, some 20,000 adders, asps and vipers will be resettled in the emerald-green fields across the small island nation, where they are expected to thrive.
Dr. Klaus Schvindler, chairperson of the International Nature & Environmental Protection Tribunal (INEPT) announced that this reintroduction was vital to correct an environmental catastrophe committed in the Dark Ages.
"These noble reptiles, which for millions of years coexisted peacefully with the rodents, humans and other vermin on the island, were driven out by religious fanatics around 440 AD and the ecology of Ireland has been unbalanced ever since," wrote Schvindler in a press release.
"It's amazing that the Irish ecosystem has been able to go on so long without collapsing due to profound snake deficiency. Our environmental scientists have observed clover-leaf mutations and evidence of gold hoarding 'wee folk' on the island."
Irish Social Justice Ambassador and former "rock" musician Bono called a press conference on top of a moving flatbed truck wandering the streets of Geneva, Switzerland to show his support for the snake resettlement. "The Irish have suffered too long without snakes, man," said Bono. "When I was a boy, growing up on the mean streets of a divided Ireland, I can remember wanting a small scaly friend to comfort me. But back in the bad old days, all we had with scales was fish. The whole of Ireland was surounded by fish. In many ways, it still is. And the Good Book says, when thy son asks for a fish, you can give him a serpent, and it shall be cool, you know?"
Funding problems for this project threatened to delay its implementation, according to Schvindler. "Humane transportation of 20,000 snakes could cost up to one Euro per serpent, but because of the United Nation's efficiencies of scale, our preliminary budget came in just under 5 billion Euro. Still, we had trouble getting funding."
The project was ultimately funded with the proceeds from a lawsuit on the Irish snakes' behalf brought by the International Criminal Court against the Vatican. The ICC successfully traced the origins of the Irish snake genocide to a Vatican agent named Saint Patrick.
INEPT, which has operated as part of the United Nations since 1969, lays down guidelines and writes press releases for the sustainable management and international monitoring of endangered habitats.