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Wednesday, 2 June 2010

image for EU Council of Rodents Declares Amnesty On Rats to Encourage Understanding and Enforce Health & Safety!
Next on EU Ban List: The Venus Fly Trap!

In yet another show of humanity, the EU Council of Rodents declared a life time amnesty on previous efforts to eradicate the rodents by banning any type of anticoagulants in trying to control the disease carrying pests!

Saying that some ingredients, such as Warfin, contribute to concerns over Health and Safety, the Council continued to thwart efforts by concerned farmers, live stock breeders, and regular homeowners to try and control the rampant spread of the rat population which has mushroomed since the open borders mandate which came along with membership in the European Union.

In medieval days rats were eventually traced to be the carrier of the devastating Bubonic Plague, but Pierre LaFroggue, head of the council, said "Rats are much cleaner now. During lab experiments conducted in our Brussels laboratory, we have noticed that todays rats are much more fastidious in their personal hygiene. We found that when we put a scented 'finger bowl' with a bit of lemon juice in their cages, most rats were prone to 'wash up' before and after their meal. Of course, these rats were more civilized being raised in France and Belgium....we haven't completed our studies on rats from Greece, Portugal and Spain...mostly because we haven't been able to catch any of the wily bastards...and it's too dangerous to go on a rat expedition to Turkey!"

LaFroggue also said the intended purpose of the ban was to cut down the possibility of humans ingesting the poison thereby causing death, hallucinogenic experiences, or uncontrolled internal bleeding.

"Kids will put anything in their mouths and into their systems to get high these days," he said profoundly. He went on to detail recent blindness caused by binge drinkers pouring vodka into their eyes, and the ingestion of many harmful new over the counter drugs, and even the over indulgence in Bok Choy which could put one in a coma.

UK Health and Safety Minister Percey Montbatten, Jr, a former MP from
Yo-Yo Ville concurred with the decision by the Council. "It's up to us in Government to protect the taxpayers from themselves. Obviously, these sad individuals don't know enough not to put poison in their system, but by eliminating the temptation at it's source we'll be fulfilling our elected mandate to provide social and psychological change for the masses!"

Unfortunately for most people and industries plagued by rats, things won't get much better. Previous Health and Safety mandates outlawing rat traps as being too dangerous when children tried to snatch the cheese off the spring, and the innocuous 'glue strips' that were banned when a child in Wales underwent a delicate operation to separate his tongue from the Roquefort flavoured paper have left everyone at risk to being overwhelmed with the rodents.

Montbatten said there might be a chance to keep up with the rats, if local councils would overturn recent bans on homeowners keeping Jack Russells and English Terriers as household pets, but he was not hopeful the ban could be overturned due to the number of cat lovers, dustbin collectors and Royal Mail carriers opposed.

Unfortunately most cats are no longer interested in chasing mice or rats anymore, due to Council Charters that prevents them from toying with or torturing another breathing creature under a separate EU mandate.

A recent experiment in the Shetland's also failed when a grain processor tried digging a deep 8' moat around his grain storage facilities. This was foiled after he had spent over $760,000K and only too late found that rats from Norway were accomplished swimmers.

Further studies are now underway by University Scholars at Cambridge and Oxford to see if rats can be turned into domesticated pets. Said Government Grant winner Sean Alexander just awarded a $275K stipend, "Hey, look what's happened with Meerkats...it's not totally hopeless, Eh?"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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