REDMOND WA (AP) Microsoft Corporation's Bill Gates will confer special ceremonial honors upon England's Queen Elizabeth II. At a press conference, King Gates proclaimed: "Her Majesty the Queen will be arriving at my court in Redmond within the hour to receive the Microsoft Blue Ribbon. As many of you know, the Blue Ribbon is presently held only by Steve Wozniak for that miserable little computer he invented many years ago."
"The Microsoft Blue Ribbon will be given to Queen Elizabeth because of her long and continuing support for the Windows operating system," continued King Gates. "At a time when many world leaders are switching to Linux, Macintosh, and that dreadful Firefox browser, the Queen keeps using her illegal bootleg copy of Windows 95 on her personal computer at Buckingham Palace. She is a daily caller to our Microsoft Customer Phone Support lines. When she calls, we try our best not to put her on hold for more than an hour and twenty minutes."
"Although Her Majesty's computer crashes twenty times a day, she says that she enjoys seeing her old friend---the Blue Screen of Death. We have a special team of Microsoft engineers that help the Queen keep her computer files in good shape. The Corgi database, the Camilla file, and the Queen's shopping coupons are all kept on Microsoft Office. But even Her Majesty's extensive collection of British porno links is dwarfed by the Excel file of her Royal Family Tree. There is only one trusted Microsoft employee that has access to the Queen's secret file on Royal Assassinations---and we keep a very close watch over him."
HM the Queen is flying from London in her personal Spitfire. She will pick up her Blue Ribbon from Bill Gates, have a Pepsi, and return to her palace in time to watch her favorite cartoons on TV with her son Charles. It has been widely reported that the British Crown Jewels will be put up in the attic so that visitors will be able to get a good look at the Queen's new Microsoft Blue Ribbon.