Written by MenInGreen
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Topics: Police, Cricket

Wednesday, 2 March 2005

image for Cricket Recluse Walks Into Pakistan / India Series
Hashmat: ran away to escape "rig morale and hype" of cricket

Badeen, Pakista -- Police in the sleepy town of Tando Adam are considering further actions after the discovery of yet another "cricket recluse" from the nearby forests. The confused and emaciated figureof one Hashmat Ali, emerged from the wilderness of the forests and walked into the local police station at around 14:28hrs on Tuesday. Hashmat is the 119th such individual to reappear after being reported missing in March 2004.

Anonymous Police informant Piyarasa Bhaloo (Huggy Bear) has told this correspondent that as with all other such persons, Hashmat and a few other friends had left Pakistani civil society (all 20 of them) and moved into the forests to "get away from the rig morale and hype of a Pakistan India series". The fate of Hashmats friends is unknown at this time.

According to reports, Hashmat, is now under observation at a Tando Adam hospital. He has, since his appearance at the police station, suffered horrific head injuries when the attendants mistakenly changed the cartoon channel on his TV to the sports channel. Hashmat reportedly flew from his bed and hit the ceiling fan at an odd angle after he saw images of the Pakistan cricket team arriving in New Dehli.

When interviewed today by a local TV station, a heavily sedated and bandaged Hashmat reiterated his disappointment with the world in allowing another over hyped series between the nuclear armed and trigger happy neighbors. He said "I escaped from cricketing hell last year so that I wouldn't have to listen to this incessant chatter from so called experts, the endless Pepsi commercials, the made-up stories of how India and Pakistan loved each other - Only to return to the same garbage - I hate you all". Hashmat then lapsed into a coma where he remains until today.

Our Medical correspondent adds:

Prof Ed Maroon, considered as the foremost authority on cricket related mental diseases, has arrived from Los Angeles to take personal charge of Hashmats rehabilitation.

In an exclusive interview to TheSourceNews, he reaffirmed his hope that Hashmat would be able to recover soon but warned that any more statements by any current or ex captain,coach, player, PCB CEO, The Army Chief or President in uniform or civilian clothes could set back Hashmats recovery by many months - with the possibility of permanent damage.

In a wide-ranging discussion, which centered totally on Hashmats condition, he also warned of a mass exodus of "regular guys" if this practice of aimless statements and counter statements continues unabated.

He further added "Everyday we hear the same statement in different ways about how easy or difficult the tour is and who will score the most and even who will eat the most curries - this is absolutely unacceptable and I demand a complete stop to it - what are ya people ANIMALS - dirty filthy ANIMALS- can't you see what you have done, Huh - Huh???" Sources at the hospital claim that the Prof, who has personal issues with recreational drugs, was able to calm down later after certain medications were adminisitered and will continue to supervise Hashmats care in the future.

Our Cricket correspondent adds:

The mood at PCB (Pakistan Cricket Board) was that of panic as news came in of Hashmats plight. As officials scurried around in rickshaws, donkey carts and other assorted modes of transport, the spokesman for PCB was at hand to speak to the assembled members of press. He claimed that PCB was aware of its responsibilities towards general mental health of the nation and had instructed the touring players to keep large chunks of cheese in their mouths to avoid speaking on any topic and thus to avoid any unpleasant outcome for the nation. When queried on the whereabouts of CEO of PCB,Mr. Diployar, the spokesman claimed that he was unavailable but sources close to PCB claimed that he had recently been seen heading off to the forests near Tando Adam.

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