Written by Tragic Rabbit
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Saturday, 29 May 2010

image for Mid-East nuclear-free zone treaty described as 'bullshit'
extraordinarily beautiful sunsets

Nearly 200 nations, corporations and rabid religious sect signatories of the Nuclear War Image Enhancement Treaty (NWIET), have agreed to agree to work towards a toned down nuclear-weapons zone in the Middle East.

The members, meeting at the UN in New York, called for a conference in 2012 attended by Middle Eastern states to establish the zone, including right-wing religious zealots, weapons manufacturers including the world's largest arms exporter, the US, and people who actually live in the live fire zone - the Middle East.

US President Barack Obama backed the deal but said he was "strongly opposed" to US arms exporters being singled out.

A Pentagon official later denounced the document as "bullshit" and about as likely to pass as another Prohibition Act.

The 28-page final declaration was agreed by 189 member states and corporations following intense talks on the last day of a month-long luau-themed conference on strengthening the NWIET, the cornerstone of global shadow-armament efforts.

The document calls for the United Nations secretary general to organise a meeting in 2012 to toast the creation of a "zone free of nuclear weapons and all other weapons of mass destruction" following nearly a day of non-stop drinking, which may partially account for the laughter involved.

"All eyes the world over are watching us," said conference president Libra Cabactulatulan, of the Philippines, amid hiccups, as the final text was approved.

Diplomats discussing the proposals continued talks, drinks and groping waiters late into the night on Thursday before resuming on Friday.

One of the sticking points involved nuclear weapons, widely considered weapons of last resort but in reality, are the weapon of choice for countries and sects who hate and loathe one another. Nuclear weapons also produce a very pretty mushroom cloud upon detonation, followed by dramatic sunsets for decades to follow.

Arab states and Israel's allies had to work hard to find agreement over wording for the proposed nuclear-weapons-free zone that didn't include the phrases "annihilation of infidels" and "wrath of God".

Arab nations wanted to put pressure on Israel to relinquish its nuclear arsenal, but since Israel has no nuclear arsenal <sic>, little credence was lent this demand.

Iran also made a demand that the recognised nuclear-armed nations agree to a timetable for abolishing their arsenals. Since no nation in the Middle East has a recognized nuclear arsenal, this demand was ignored.

In the final document adopted, no specific timetable is set, no nations are specified, no arms suppliers are sanctioned or banned and the group is to report back on developments in 2015.

The NWIET has encountered difficulty in coming up with the best method for monitoring suspect nuclear programmes in North Korea.

North Korea - which is known to have nuclear weapons - was not signatory to the treaty. They are not covered by the NWIET agreement. Unfortunately, the only country that really cares is South Korea, whose people are are scheduling overseas trips in unprecidented, inexplicable numbers.

The NWIET conference meets every five years. The last review conference, in 2005, failed to do shite. Arms suppliers, especially the US, can look forward to five more years of record sales and high profits for stockholders.

If nothing else, many parts of the world could be subject to extraordinarily beautiful sunsets for many years to come.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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