We're pleased to report that US, UK, and other NATO forces are making slow but steady progress in the battle for the hearts and minds of the beleaguered people of Afghanistan.
Military Commanders consider that diplomacy and accessibility make more sense in the long term than simply lobbing bombs on people. Or shooting them.
A source told us that all the tub thumping back home - wherever that may be - does little towards developing a lasting peace, and that sadly it serves only to strengthen the enemy's resolve and antipathy towards peacekeeping forces. Which is all very good, patriotic and brave as hell - unless you happen to be a bomb disposal guy sweating over an IED, or a soldier standing eye to eye with a Taleban AK47 toting gunman. So close you can see the whites of his eyes and the individual beads of perspiration on his forehead.
"That's a big part of the problem," US Army General Stower told our reporter. "We're trying to achieve an objective here. We've lost too many good men, and these fucking burger flippers and sandwich shop bosses back home - who couldn't fight their way out of a wet paper bag if their asses were on fire - start putting inflammatory garbage about pissing on mosques and suchlike up on the internet for all the world to see. They think it's funny to denigrate half the world's population in the most despicable fashion from the safety of the home front. What these dickheads are doing doesn't help at all. They're basically cowards and pond life who leave the fighting to the real men. They're clueless, bigoted, and probably live in trailers out in the desert someplace. Whatever. They ain't helping our guys at all."
In Washington DC, a spokesman for President Barack Obama, the constitunionally elected leader of the world's most powerful nation told us that the President suffers that kind of bigotry all the time.
"It's a little sad that some people are so narrow minded, bigoted, and so far up their own assholes that they can see the back of their own front teeth. But hey, that's why the Good Lord invented the Jerry Springer Show."
Controversial? You ain't seen nothing yet.
More as we get it.