Sister Gabrielle van der Mal, Mother Superior of the Carmelite Order of Saint Amelie, died last night at Antwerp General Hospital after being "tasered" by the Dutch police during a raid to discover the whereabouts of Benedictine blasphemer, Rameses Trojani. It was Trojani who developoed the controversial condoms with Pope Benedict's face on the reservoir and has since disappeared. The police are treating this as a religious-terrorist abduction.
Police spokesperson, Pippi Longenhosen, regretted the "sainted woman's death", but added that she had to be subdued because she was resisting arrest. "The Mother was attacking us with a big Mother Crucifix, she was. It was unavoidable." When asked about the newly-discovered bruising on her thighs and the cigarette burns on her arms, Monsieur Longenhosen had no further comment except to add they were still looking for any information on the disappearance of Trojani.
"We have his testicles and his nose. Now we want the rest of him," he added to the titters of the journalists at the
Meanwhile, the Papal Nuncio to The Netherlands, Cardinale Pasquale Caputo, was on his way to the hospital to deliver the Last Rites to The Mother. As he was entering through the ambulance entrance, he was heard to say to his subordinates, "You-a no screw-a 'rounda wit da Church-a, porca miseria! Now-a, letta dem sweat-a for Trojani. Dey'll getta him itsy-bitsy by itsy-bitsy!"