Written by Dan Barash
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Topics: Theft, Ozzy Osbourne

Friday, 25 February 2005

image for Ozzy's Son Allowed Jewel Theft to Convince Fans of His Stupidity
"So, how could I be as stupid as dear old Dad?"

Rocker Ozzy Osbourne's son admitted that he allowed $382,000 in jewelry to be stolen so he could impress fans with his massive stupidity. Jack Osbourne said he felt the only way to compete with his famous father was to "be an even bigger idiot". The younger Osborne had reportedly schemed for months to come up with an act of enormous stupidity that would grab the media spotlight.

Osborne, 19, placed the jewelry in a transparent carry-on bag he took on a flight from Los Angeles to London. The bag had a sticker that read, "Contents Include Expensive Jewelry, Please Do No Steal!" He left the bag in an empty seat at the rear and spent most of the flight surreptitiously drinking tequila.

The Osbourne family is featured on a hit MTV reality show, highlighted by Ozzy's amusing, partially intelligible, rants. With the show in its last season, Jack was concerned he was running out of opportunities to publicly humiliate himself. When asked about his son's escapades, Ozzy replied through a translator, "That's my boy!"

Jack Osbourne had initially tried to gain fame through alcoholism and drug abuse, but was frustrated that it merely lead to his being portrayed as a typical wealthy teenager.

Public foolishness has become a reliable technique for making one's mark in the world. "From American Idol to Paris Hilton, we have a culture that worships ineptitude and stupidity," observed Dr. Milton Newberg, a Sociology Professor at Richmond University. "Ignorance is not only bliss, it's a great way to earn a living," he added.

The stunt may have worked, as Osbourne has been deluged with marriage proposals from young women concerned about his welfare. Many have offered to hold his remaining valuables to prevent future losses.

Jack Osbourne has already started planning his next feat of extreme stupidity. Friends say his options include destroying a multi-billion dollar company and running for President as the nominee of the "I'm With Stupid" party.

The Osbourne's losses will likely be covered by their insurance company. Their policies reportedly include a "celebrity stupidity" rider that guarantees coverage for cases of reckless disregard of common sense. "Idiocy does have it limits," chuckled Ozzy's wife Sharon.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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