In news likely to astonish the entire fast food eating population, The McDonald's Happy Meal has revealed that it is not so "happy" after all. In an exclusive warts-and-all interview given to the magazine, Fast Food Monthly, Hamburger, Regular Fries, and Medium-Sized Coca Cola were more than scathing of the way the McDonalds Corporation had portrayed them as "happy" on TV advertisements, outdoor billboards and posters inside the restaurant itself.
A candid Regular Fries admitted, "We (Hamburger, Coca Cola and myself) are a lot of things but we're certainly not "happy". I ask you- for the love of God, how could we be happy? I could find myself crunched into a million tiny shreds of oily processed potato and half way down the gullet of some 400 pound hyper-obese fourteen year old any minute now. Turn your back in this place for a second and you could be whipped up by one of the staff and into shelf dispenser things they have behind the counter. This is no way to live. I'll be honest- I live in constant fear of my life".
An equally distressed medium-sized Coca Cola wept, "What's there to be happy about? I'm already so watered down I can barely even taste myself. I'm diluted beyond recognition. I'm almost fucking transparent man!!! Listen dude, the advertisements might say that I'm real Coca Cola but I'm not… I'm… I'm a monster. Don't…don't… don't look at me… I'm a monster!!"
"And all this ice… why so much ice… I'm s-s-s-s-s-so c-c-c-cold", Medium-sized Coca Cola added, shivering.
An equally aggrieved Hamburger pointed out, "What about me??!! I'm not even real meat!!! I'm 40% Whiskas, 20% Pedigree Chum, 30% reprocessed Michelin tire rubber, 1% Choc Ice, and 9% miscellaneous substances!!! I'm ashamed to call myself a hamburger. Sometimes I wish I was back in Hamburg with my family. I remember we used to play hide ‘n' smell at birthday parties. We used to play all day among the children. But they'd never eat us… he added raising an imaginary finger of remonstration.
The hamburger, fighting back the tears, had these strong words, "I'd just like to say that, contrary to the way we are perceived in the phoney-baloney world of advertisement, we are not "happy". I think I speak for all hamburgers when I say we've been greatly misrepresented".
He continued, "I can't begin to tell you how many close friends I've lost down the years. I don't know what happens to them but I've heard the most terrible things. One hamburger told me that, after people put us into their mouths, we slip down this long, narrow passage-way into a big slimy cavern they call a "stomach". And if that's not bad enough, we are then passed down into this horribly smelly place called a "rectum" and we eventually come out the other side not as ourselves but as some sort of brown faecal matter they call "shit".
Apparently there are corrosive acids in that "stomach" place that do this to us and… and… oh I don't want to think about it… I'm so desperately unhappy".
Medium-Sized Coca Cola interrupted, saying, "That's not what I heard at all. I heard that you end up as this sort of warm, golden liquid and are emitted through some sort of sexual organ".
Regular Fries added, "That's not all I've heard. I heard that we are sent into this sort of small round waste depository they call a "toilet" or something, and then thrust through a complex network of piping eventually ending up in the sea. I know, I know- it sounds awful… I can't even swim. I don't know though, maybe it's just an old urban legend- a spook story, something big chips tell little chips about before they go to sleep. But I have to say, I can barely sleep at night thinking about it… what is this mysterious "toilet" that they speak of?"
Hamburger himself has his own specific reasons for the many nights of sleep he has lost down the years. He revealed, "It wasn't until a few years ago I found out the Hamburgler was just a corporate gimmick. I thought he was real like Ronald McDonald. I was so pissed off with the McDonalds Corporation for not telling me sooner. I would stay up all night sweating, worrying my bloody buns off that the Hamburgler was coming to whisk me away. Imagine that - shitting myself over a fictional character… how pathetic… imagine what Superman would think if he heard about that!"
Regular Fries, Hamburger, and Medium-Sized Coca Cola are considering taking legal action against the McDonalds Corporation for personal damages relating to the misappropriation of the word "happy" as part of their character description.
A resolute Regular Fries insisted, "We're going to nail those bastards. First of all, we are going to use all legal means possible to make sure we get our name changed to "Unhappy Meal" or possibly "Sad Meal", or if we can swing it, "Clinically Depressed on the Verge of Suicide Meal". Instead of the ads saying, "Here's a happy kid eating a happy meal" it will be "Here's a clinically depressed kid on the verge of suicide eating a clinically depressed on the verge of suicide meal". Hopefully such an ad campaign should reduce sales therefore increasing our chances of survival… it's quite simple really. Roll on the court case!"