Written by Phil Maggitti
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Topics: Germany, Laura Bush

Tuesday, 22 February 2005

image for First Lady Distributes Fruitcakes in Germany
Jesus died for your fruitcake.

RAMSTEIN AIR BASE, Germany -- First Lady Laura Bush, hoping to do for the fruitcake what she did for the Lane Bryant pants suit, has launched a campaign to restore the image of the much maligned dessert. She began that campaign yesterday when she visited troops at Ramstein Air Base.

"I, too, earned political capital in the last election," declared Bush, "and I'm going to spend it on fruitcake. Jesus loved fruitcake, and I believe He has chosen me to restore fruitcake's image in America."

The First Lady delivered these stirring words in the library of Ramstein Air Base. After she had distributed fruitcakes to the soldiers assembled there, she announced that when she returns to the United States, she will launch a 10-city tour to promote the virtues of fruitcake.

According to the first lady, the tour will begin at the KKK Bakery in Claxton, Georgia, the fruitcake capital of the United States. The tour will culminate with a giant rally in Tecumseh, Michigan. Tecumseh is the home of Morgan and Dorothy Ford and the 126-year-old fruitcake that was baked by Morgan's grandmother Fidelia at her Ohio home on November 27, 1878.

The first lady told reporters she planned to use "my own bully pulpit" to persuade the president to send federal troops to Manitou Springs, Colorado, next year to halt the 11th Annual Great Fruitcake Toss. She also revealed that she had asked the president to make fruitcake tossing a federal crime.

"The denigration of the fruitcake is part of the class warfare waged on homespun American values by effete liberals and their acquired tastes," said Mrs. Bush.

In support of her claim, the first lady pointed out that the per capita income in Manitou Springs is double what it is in Claxton, where 49.6 percent of the population under the age of 18 lives below the poverty line. In Manitou Springs only 4.3% of those under the age of 18 live below the poverty line.

According to a recent Zogby poll, the first lady has her work, if not her cake, cut out for her. When 1,457 Americans were asked to name the most appropriate use for a fruitcake, here is what they said:

  • doorstop (32 percent)
  • lamppost wreath (22 percent)
  • dog's breakfast (17 percent)
  • driveway filler (12 percent)
  • spare tire in compact cars (9 percent)
  • landfill (5 percent)
  • dessert (3 percent)

In related news, one person who isn't buying into Laura Bush's campaign is Marie Rudisill, the Fruitcake Lady, who is known for her appearances on "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno."

"When I heard about the first cow's campaign to mend the fruitcake's image, I thought the she was talking about her dipspit husband," said the 93-year-old Rudisill. "I resent that lard butt trying to horn in on my territory. If you ask me, she ought to lay off the fruitcake."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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