In a stunning reversal of the Clinton-Era, "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" Policy concerning the sexual preferences of U.S. Military personnel, the Obama Administration has decided to go with an all-gay force. Troops that are currently straight have thirty days to become gay, or face administrative discharge as well as the possibility of a Courts Martial.
General Simmons of the U.S. Army, tasked with overseeing the transition to an all-gay force is both excited and motivated about the challenges that lay ahead. "Basically the troops we have now are facing a 'shape up or ship out' proposition. They can either learn how to be gay, or they can get out of the military. They may not like it, but it's really the only fair thing to do. For many years gay people have been deprived of the right to defend their country in war time. In order to achieve balance for past wrongs, gay people now have a golden opportunity to openly serve their country in an all-gay military."
When asked about the possibility of not being able to find enough gay troops to fill the vacancies left by the absence of straight troops, General Simmons had a swift military answer at the ready. "We should have no problem finding the troops. In anticipation of the need, we have set up hundreds of recruitment centers on college campuses and heavily gay populated areas such as the Castro District of San Francisco. So far the response has been tremendous. We have thousands of potential recruits that are looking forward to being in the Volleyball Scene from Top Gun, as promised in our recruiting videos. Of course, there is some fine print involved and individual experiences may vary."
Conservative members of the military have been highly critical of the new policy. However their concerns were erased by a brilliant speech from their Commander in Chief. "Many people are coming out, saying angry, racist things about my decision to go with an all-gay force. To them, I say, look at History and what it teaches us. The Romans, for instance, were known for encouraging gay-men to serve openly on the front lines. And as you may recall, they did a pretty good job when it came to taking care of trouble makers. And the original storm troopers that wore brown shirts were another all-gay force that served their leader with extreme pride. Therefore I say to you fellow Americans, we have nothing to fear, except change itself."
Private First Class Johnson, a currently straight member of the US Army serving in Afghanistan was asked his feelings about the new policy. "Well, the Army is getting pretty gay right now as it is. I'm not sure if I'll be able to make myself turn totally gay, but if being gay is what it takes to serve my country for four years, then that's just what I'll have to do I guess."