Chicago man, South Side Johnny was recovering in an Australian hospital this morning after a vacation cruise up the Dongpulla River in Australia's Queensland went disastrously wrong.
South Side Johnny and a party of twelve set off up the Dongpulla Gorge in a flat bottomed riverboat to take in the scenery and do a little croc-spotting. Everything went fine until disaster struck.
A 25 foot crocodile, probably defending its territory, attacked the boat and left it sinking, leaving attractive blonde Aussie tour guide Noeline Jolene, her dog, Patch, and her charges - including South Side Johnny - with no alternative other than to abandon ship and take refuge on a nearby river island as the frenzied croc patrolled the surrounding waters.
Before rescuers could reach the stranded party, darkness fell, and they were forced to fend for themselves.
It must be said, with little success.
Deciding to attempt to flee the small island, one of the party swam across to the riverbank and pushed a rotten old tree into the water for his comrades to use as a bridge.
No sooner had they started to cross than the croc started to pick them off one by one. Until the only remaining survivors were South Side Johnny and Noeline. Even Patch the mutt got chomped up by the croc as he ventured too close to the water's edge.
Apparently this event distressed Noelene - who by all accounts was quite attached to the canine, although not in a Linda Lovelace way. It transpires that Noelene doesn't have much time for foreigners or tourists in general and didn't really give a crap about her clients.
Apart from South Side Johnny.
He and Noelene struck up a bond, as people tend to do when they're in mortal danger, and most of their party has just been turned into croc food. Apparently it's something hormonal.
With time running out and the tide rising, the croc closed in. South Side Johnny later told of how the croc lunged out of the water and Noelene leapt between them, sacrificing herself, and in the process saving his life.
Luckily for Noelene, the croc must have pretty much had its fill, so it spat her out and she managed to limp back ashore, missing an arm and chewed up to hell and back, but alive.
Rescuers arrived at dawn and airlifted the pair to a hospital, where Noelene underwent emergency surgery and several blood transfusions. Reports have her currently listed as 'critical' as she battles for life in the ICU.
South Side Johnny, suffering from shock and a sprained wrist told a source that he was going to sue the ass off that bitch Noelene for putting his life at risk. Apparently he's going to take her for every cent she's worth.
More as we get it.