UNITED NATIONS - Arizona, one of America's 50 states, has been sternly criticized for its recent human-rights policies, with Mexico and China receiving the most media attention as they gave scathing condemnation.
President Felipe Caldero, Mexico: "Millions of AK-47's have entered Mexico from across the United States border. Of the 23,000 people that have been murdered in Mexico over the past four years, all of them were killed by assault rifles made in Arizona, a land of Wall Street bankers that brazenly violate the patent rights of Russia by illegally producing nearly all of the world's AK-47's."
Ban Ki Moon, UN Secretary General: "Citizens of the world, recently you may have heard from two highly enlightened nations speaking to defend human rights of people trapped in a filthy hive of villainy and scum known as Arizona. Mexico and China are considered by many to be the Utopian dream of social justice, prosperity, and freedom for all. However, shocking tips from an anonymous source, only hours ago, have forced me to declare Arizona as the world's greatest threat, and the only true terrorist state."
The UN Secretary General named Arizona as the primary responsible party in the following crimes against humanity:
- 1930's - murdered more than 20 million in the Soviet Union.
- 1940's - murdered nearly 6 million in Germany.
- 1950's - murdered at least 50 million in China.
- 1980's - Chia pets.
- 1994 - murdered 800,000 in Rwanda.
At the end of the press release, Ban Ki Moon gave a "shout-out" to President Obama, saying that Air Force One was "a totally freakin' awesome ride."
In contrast, when this reporter called the Chinese embassy it was discovered that their government expressed little interest in Arizona law. Instead, the embassy translator relayed the following message: "Dear American bitches ... we want our money."
In addition, the Chinese wished to clarify their point of view in meeting with US Assistant Secretary of State Michael Posner.
President Hu Jintao, China: "Talks with Mr. Posner were disappointing. He would always say Arizona this, or Arizona that, and treated our precious time with contempt. As a friendly warning, should I encounter Mr. Posner in Beijing, he may find himself with a red ball-gag in his mouth, a chain leash around his neck, and then led naked to Shanghai to sniff the butt of every dog in the streets until the soldiers of the People's Army are sufficiently amused."