Paris, France - The office of the Prime Minister today hotly denied that David Cameron was in any way involved in the theft of five old masters from a Paris museum overnight. The raid was captured on CCTV and clearly showed a masked intruder who stole a Picasso, a Matisse, and a Modigliani before making good his escape with his booty.
The PM, in Paris for another meeting was said to be asleep in bed when the raid took place, but French police detectives - although falling short of open accusations - are clearly suspicious of Mister Cameron. Inspector Jaques Cousteau of the Surete told us:
"No-one here is saying zat Meester Cameron did zis thefting. However, he is a Conservative, and we all know zat Conservatives will do anysink for money. Zis Cameron fellow has ze motive, and ze opportunity, alzough we are not saying directly zat 'e was responsible. I 'ave been advised by my Chinese friend Kato, to keep an eye on Monsieur Cameron and 'ave 'is luggage soroughly searched at Charles De Gaulle airport when 'e leaves la belle France. Alzough 'e will probably have fenced ze loot before zen."
A Downing Street spokesman denied that the Prime Minister is the masked intruder in the CCTV footage, saying that such accusations would be pure speculation and "bloody damned stupid in the extreme. What!"
He pointed out that the man in the footage appears to have flat feet, which David Cameron does not.
More as we get it.