KABUL, AFGHANISTAN - Conservatives may be harsh critics of Eric Holder's inability to consider "radical Islam" as a motive in violence against Western interests; however, several comments by the US Attorney General have provoked extremist Muslims to issue death threats against him.
The father of jihadist bitterly related the following: "Curse the dog, Eric Holder. He claimed that insufficient dietary fiber may have caused my son to experience irregular bowel movements which led to improper social experimentation with explosives.... MY SON WAS MARTYR! He bravely splattered the streets of a crowded market with the blood and mangled corpses of people buying food and clothing, and while he is blessed in heaven with the service of 80 virgins, the infidel Holder slanders his name."
The cousin of another jihadist told this reporter that Eric Holder has succeeded in using traditional activities in Afghanistan and the Peshawar regions (namely killing people) to utter countless blasphemies against Islam and its followers. For example, Holder mentioned that several cases of violence were possibly because villagers had "found Jesus and joined the Republican party." Rifaat lamented, "the cases he mentioned were CLEARLY Honor Killings. He deliberately ridicules our people with his inane blathering."
Conversely, some radical Islamic clerics have urged restraint. A cleric from Kabul explained: "Many prospective martyrs and jihadists are drawn by recruitment posters showing the warm beaches of Bermuda, and the story of Holder providing a large bungalow to anyone that maims or kills an American, and then gets caught. We have a wonderful video of Uighurs, our Chinese brothers, enjoying scuba diving in crystal clear waters, and wearing loose-fitting, colorful swim-trunks because their rooms in Gitmo were not fancy enough for true America-hating extremists. Also, Eric Holder now allows detainees to collect unemployment benefits, after they complete ACORN sponsored voter registration in the Democrat party. He may be a steaming pile of feces, but we should remember that opium crops grow best where the steaming feces falls."
Editor's note: The unemployment benefits for terrorists registered as Democrat voters was actually part of a 37 page amendment to the Stimulus Bill from Harry Reid.