Written by snoz bunsen
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Topics: Global Warming, NASA

Sunday, 13 February 2005

Following the publication of a NASA report on a weakened el nino and the proliferation of greenhouse gasses, bookmakers around the world today slashed the odds of global warming becoming the principal cause of the imminent annihilation of the human race.

With recent developments in the standoff between The United States and North Korea causing further concern, for the first time there are now joint-favourites in the sprint to the finishing post, or Armageddon line, as it is now known.

Kung Cow Pat, a spokesman for the North Korean interior ministry today announced plans to start feeding the nation's cattle Brussels sprouts and baked beans in an attempt to raise emissions of methane. At the opening of a new anti-perspirant deodorant factory in PingPong he said, "The United States administration are desperate to win the race to wipe out the species, but I can assure you, North Korea will not go down without a fight."

A survey of the other six billion of the planet's human population demonstrated a massive demographic gulf in what individual people fear although, interestingly, very few voiced any concerns for either nuclear proliferation or Global Warming. Mrs. Smith, a widowed mother of eight deceased children from Darfur in Sudan welcomed the news, saying, "Death is the only thing I have to look forward to really. I have eaten nothing for a month or so now and my water supply is negligible. I can only hope I live long enough to see the demise of the human race to be honest."
Meanwhile, on a housing estate in Birmingham, England, unemployed Mr. Smith 27, was hoping that Global Warming would pick up a pace, "I just bought the new Vice City, San Andreas game for my X-Box and sometimes my fingers are so numb I can barely press the buttons properly. I dropped my baseball bat when beating to death a young woman I had earlier gang-raped with my homies on level 3 and frankly, I was more than a little miffed. At the end of the day, my unemployment benefit won't stretch to central heating although I did have an assessment last week after seven of my kids developed pleuresy of the lungs. My social worker is trying to raise funds for a portable gas heater and suggested I buy the kids a hot water bottle, but my benefit doesn't really allow for such luxuries.

In Edinburgh, Scotland, Professor Ian Wilmot -- the man who controversially cloned Dolly the sheep -- spoke at a press conference after being given the go-ahead to commence cloning of human embryos. "At the end of the day, the ability to think, stand upright, speak and wear clothes are about the only things that differentiate the two species'. Take the situation between the United States and North Korea. A handful of elitist Despots holds the future of our children and in fact the entire human race in the palms of their hands and the rest of the populace simply sits back and lets it happen. In fact, if push comes to shove, like it did in Iraq, many ‘individuals' will happily march to their deaths under the banner of freedom, when in actual fact they are more indentured and mentally enslaved than any sheep I've ever met. For that matter, when they are marched to the slaughterhouse stun-guns, at least sheep will attempt to make a dash for it once they realise the wool has been pulled over their eyes."

Meanwhile 1960's protest singer, Barrie McGuire, said, "But you tell me over and over and over again, my friend, ah, you don't believe we're on the eve of destruction."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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