Written by Bill Licks
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Topics: Poo, penguin

Friday, 7 May 2010

image for Man with world's biggest arsehole shits penguin sized turd
Picasso's Sleeping Woman Or Picasso's Steaming Turd?

A man from the Netherlands was relieved today after battling for 48 hours to crap out a turd the size of an adult King Penguin.

Hans Van Flloyd Hasslebank is renowned throughout Holland for having a back passage big enough to take a Eurostar train and is also the proud owner of a gallery in Amsterdam displaying sculptures of his own fecal matter.

His previous works of art include the Jules Rim(et) Trophy; Pringles Tube - Once You Plop, You Can't Stop; and the controversial and slightly abstract Gary Coleman's Arm.

Hasselbank must eat a daily diet of food that makes him constipated so he can build up as much waste matter as possible inside his body. Once he is at bursting point he can then begin the process of creating the sculpture by straining and clenching to make the desired shape and form. This can often take up to 24 hours and can lead to severe tearing of the arsehole as the work of art is produced.

His latest project was his most ambitious yet. The aptly named King 'Ring Sting' Penguin put his body under such enormous pressure that he was taken into intensive care after passing out following the release of the bird like turd.

Luckily, Hasslebank made a speedy recovery and has decided to have a break before he gets to work on his next sculpture - a specially commissioned twin tribute to be displayed at Ground Zero in New York called the World Turd Centre.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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