Written by Bill Licks
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Friday, 7 May 2010

image for Sue Barker is now the World's oldest Woman
What happened next? Sod all as usual

One of Britain's finest ever female tennis players and friend of Cliff today learned of the news that she was now the World's oldest woman.

Sue Barker celebrated her 114th birthday last month by taking on Andy Murray at Wimbledon's Centre Court and defeating him in straight sets. Little did she know that a few days later she would be crowned the World's Oldest Woman after the sudden death of the woman who held the title, Japan's Kama 'Chameleon' Chinen.

As she sat in a television studio recording a new series of A Question of Sport, Barker was visited by the spirits of Roy Castle and Norris McWhirter who informed her that she was now older than anyone else in the whole world, probably.

New team captain Gary 'Butt-head from Beavis and Butt-head' Speed couldn't believe what he was hearing and immediately Googled 'World's Oldest Woman' to find out if she was as old as she claimed. He pointed to the information on her Wikipedia page that suggested she was born in 1956, making her just 54 years old, but decided her leathery wrinkled complexion belonged to that of a woman many years older.

He then noted that a story on the Daily Telegraph's website claimed the current oldest woman in the world was a French resident on the Caribbean island of St Barthelemy called Eugenie Blanchard. She was believed to be 114 years and 75 days old making her 57 days older than Barker. However, Barker couldn't understand Speed's painfully dull Northern accent so his possibly factually true information was completely ignored.

Barker hopes to cash in on this new accolade by advertising a range of products for supercentenarians including the Dyson Self Emptying Colostomy Bag, the new Stannah Stair and Face Lift, and the a cure for erectile dysfunction - the Sue Barker Topless Calendar 2011.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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