Written by Dan Barash
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Monday, 14 March 2005

image for Europeans to Start Sleeping with Americans Again
Mmm...America? Oui!

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice announced today that European citizens would once again be sleeping with Americans. Just back from a tour of Europe, Rice said she had "personal assurances" from European leaders that the unofficial sex ban on Americans was being lifted. Asked if she had used "intimate diplomacy" to bring about he resumption of relations, she declined to comment. She did add that her trip was "both stimulating and exhausting".

Europeans banned nookie with Americans shortly after the US invasion of Iraq. Relations had turned frosty well before then, however. Europeans had a litany of complaints towards the US. These included refusals to consult with Europe before making important decisions, and ignoring Europe's strong feelings on a variety of issues including global warming and Third World debt. "Let's face it, America just doesn't care," pouted European Commission President Jose Barroso at one low point. As Europe pulled back, the Bush Administration withdrew as well, even threatening to seek companionship with Asia.

Rice was clearly relieved the ban was over, saying that "we certainly have a lot of catching up to do, and I can't wait!" Tourism officials on both sides of the Atlantic are looking forward to a strong rise in intercontinental travel. "It's time to kiss and make up," said Italian Travel Minister Carla Frattini, "and I am looking forward to doing my part."

American travel to Europe had reached record lows as visitors discovered their fantasies faced the hard reality of European indifference. "I might as well do this back in Omaha," said frustrated tourist Will Nile as he searched for a dirty bookstore on the Champs Elysees in Paris. "I am fed up with all the complaints from our citizens," said US Ambassador to Belgium Tom Korgos. "People come to the embassy whining they can't get a date. But I'm an ambassador, not a pimp."

"It's been a record year for headaches in Europe," said one State Department insider, "but I knew they would eventually cave. Europe has its needs." The end of the European chill apparently has already had an impact on Ms. Rice. "That was quite a trip I had," she allegedly told a close friend, "and afterwards, I smoked a cigarette for the first time in my life."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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