Even as President Obama has been forced to change the locks on his bedroom, and seek a restraining order against a reported "hopping Mad Michelle', White House Sources continue to rebut published tales of Presidential Philandering with a Hot Chicago 'Fund Raiser."
Reports of a late night auto crash on the White House lawn resulting in the destruction of three (3) Presidential Cherry Trees and reports of a 'flying 9 iron' have been linked to yet another Joe Biden mishap after a night out with "Patches" Kennedy in several DC watering holes favoured by Hard Drinking Democrats.
Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said that at the time, the President was home alone in bed watching endless loops of tapes of himself, and was so intimately involved, he 'never heard a thing."
According to a front page article in a National Tabloid, the President has been under the spell of a much younger good looking woman who has said to be 'extremely close' to the president, and is being linked to a scheme that apparently 'raised' more than Barry's "campaign funds'
Unconfirmed rumours abound that sex and audio tapes exist detailing the sexploits of the President. One such audio tape has been released in Russia with a telephone conversation purportedly between Obama and a woman only identified as "Sasha X", which has heightened concerns that Obama had fallen into yet another 'Honey Trap' crafted by former KGB strongman Vladimir Putin.
In the snippet of conversation released, a voice very similar to the President is heard to say, "Uh, Ah....umm, Ubangi?" A sensuous female voice is then heard to reply in a seductive haunting tone, "Ubetcha!"
Voice prints confirm it is Obama on the phone, and disprove the rumour that the woman was Sarah Palin, despite the use of "Ubetcha."
Secret Service Agents have reportedly removed all sharp instruments from the kitchen, as well as a pair of scissors, a straight razor, and a Walther PPK from the First Lady's Handbag in a security measure to preserve the President's life and private parts.
Further measures have been taken to curtail the witchcraft of Barry's mother in law, and a collection of potions, herbs, dried animal parts and spiders in addition to a blow gun, have been removed from the White House Mother In Law Suite.
Efforts to have one of Barry's many siblings comment on the breaking story was met with hilarity by Brother George in Kenya.
"I done tolt you, "said George Giggling wildly, "the apple don't fall far from the Tree when you be talking about my Bro Barry! That boy had a reputation for jumpin' anything that walked or crawled...why you think he keep moving round from country to country...he got more kids than our old man and a lot of pissed off 'homeys" still looking to get a piece of his ass for what he done to their women! Ha!"
Back in Moscow Spoof Reporter Earl Grey says he has the inside story on the scandal, and will report as soon as he is safely out of the country.
"I've got some dynamite tapes of Barry in his underwear sniffin lines off a glass coffee table and drinking shots of Stoly while telling Hillary Jokes!
There's even another guy in the foreground who may be Tiger Woods and my source said Barry was even matching him Stroke for Stroke!"
No reports in yet confirming the rumour that all major news sources in the US have been taken over by the Regime and Nationalized for Security Purposes.