The secret society which is apparently hell-bent on total global domination by brainwashing, and other nefarious means - the Illumninati (not to be confused with the Illuminati, the real Enlightened Ones led by The One Show's Christine Bleakley, allegedly) today denied having anything whatsoever to do with the murder of ex-Beatle and Yoko botherer, John Lennon.
Lennon, gunned down by that bloke who got mixed up over J D Salinger's Catcher In The Rye book, in the entrance way to the Dakota Building on Central Park West, just up the road from where Skoob lit a roll up outside the Trump International Hotel, had been working on the finishing touches to his iconic 'Double Fantasy' album when he got shot. Fatally.
The Illumninati, ex army officers based in Torquay, not to be confused with the other lot, denied all responsibility for the Lennon murder, telling us that it wasn't them, and that if they'd really wanted to murder a 60s musical idol, it would have probably been Peter Noone out of Herman's Hermits, for having no sense of rhythm.
Or Gerry Marsden for providing the Mickeys with 'You'll Never Walk Alone.'
"But we had nothing to do with the Lennon murder," Illuminati spokesman Kay Burley off Sky News told us. "We're not nasty people. Try the Illumninati, they're the nasty ones."
To be frank, we were left confused.
Frank doesn't seem to mind.
Lost on the Underground. With no ticket. Reeling from a surfeit of conspiracy theories. Hoping to walk on the moon. Like Sting. Looking for Bargis.