The financial markets had their balls in a uproar today after yet another Top Secret document was left behind in a London Cab, apparently by a high ranking member of Ireland's High Flying but Low Frills, some would say Spartan Airline, Ianaire!
According to a Pakistani interpreter who was called in to question the cabbie, the document, which appears to be a highly classified business plan outlining the hostile takeover of a major cruise line, was left on the floor of the cab by the passenger after a late night/early morning pub crawl and a last stop at the New Oasis Pole Dancing, Massage, and Tanning Pub outside London.
While the name of the cruise line was redacted in the report, investigators indicated that HM The Queen would not take kindly to the takeover if were to occur and was contemplating legal action, or if all else failed in the courts, to changer her name to "Penelope " to prevent horrific embarrassment.
In keeping with the Ianaire manifesto put forth by Ianaire's CEO , Fergus McCleary, the cruise capacity of one named ship would be increased from 2500 to 6200 by a number of major retrofitting activities.
Firstly, the number of crew would be reduced from 1200 to 375 and their quarters reassigned to paying customers in the new 'steerage' class.
All bathrooms would be removed from staterooms, walls compressed, and an additional 200 rooms per deck would be squeezed in, with common bath facilities at the stern end of the ship, a mere 958 feet from the bow. McCleary announced passengers requiring more than normal use of the facility could pay a premium to be nearer the loo whilst traveling, or also pay extra for a chamber pot, which they could dump overboard in the morning.
There would no longer be any regal sit down dinners, but rather a random buffet with limited seating available. Passengers were permitted, in fact aggressively urged, to take their food on paper plates to their rooms which are to be outfitted with recyclable plastic utensils which required a $25 returnable deposit redeemed as one left the ship.
Passengers would be required to make up their own beds, and were provided with one (1) 2'x3' bath towel. Bath sheets and wash clothes will be available at extra charge, but first come first serve due to limited availability and the reduced capacity of the ship's laundry.
There will be no entertainment on board, as passengers are expected to be too busy tidying up their rooms and queueing up for their buffet meals.
There will be no diving in the pools, as they are only half filled to cut down weight, and sun worshipers will not be provided any pool lounges, as all chairs are reserved for paying customers at the 247 bars located around the ship.
Abandon ship drills have been scrapped, classified as a waste of time, as the ship has reduced it's number of life boats in half in order to cut down on weight and increase fuel efficiency.
In additional efforts to reduce their carbon footprint, the ship will only carry a half load of fuel, and trips will be curtailed and limited to the nautical miles it can travel on the half of the half.
Ianaire has in the past been criticized for cutting down fuel safety margins resulting in landing in other than posted destinations, and this corporate policy will continue. If rough seas or emergency evasion tactics cause undue fuel consumptions, passengers will be disembarked at the closest land
mass near the ship at the time the fuel warning light comes on.
If the water depth is no more than waist high, passengers will be required to make their own way to shore, ship's launches will be used if the water is higher causing safety concerns, but passengers are expected to row their way in rather than waste fuel.
Dress will be casual, as there are no hanging lockers or drawers available in the state rooms, and passengers are advised to travel "judiciously' because of the lack of storage space, and also because there are no longer porters employed to convey luggage to your room.
In keeping with Ianaire policy there will be no check in desk at the port, all tickets must be booked on line, and all complaints can only be addressed by post delivered by the Royal Mail. Emergency Medical calls while on board may be made from the phone in the room which will connect you to a "Medical Hot Line" in New Delhi for further service.
Burials at sea can be handled by the Captain, and cash payment in advance must be made to cover expenses of the paper shroud, rental of the converted concrete chute, and overtime pay for the standby/sendoff staff.
The chaplain is available to say a few words for the appropriate gratuity and a short musical remembrance can be played over the intercom as long as the required royalty is paid. There will be no refunds for the vacated cabin space.
According to the marketing maven for Ianaire, the concept is one that has come of age, especially with the EU mandating that government must pay for holidays for the underprivileged, social disadvantaged, the obese, and the just plan lazy. "We expect to clean up on this scheme," said Sean McFrugal, "Mr. McLeary is a guiding light in the travel and cruise industry spotting trends before they even appear as a blinking light in the future."
McFrugal said advanced bookings are exceeding expectations, even though there will be no published itinerary for the ship. " Listen Mate," he said holding his forefinger to his nose, "for $25 wouldn't you book a 5 day cruise just to get away from the shout and turmoil...after 45 minutes at the bar most of our passengers wouldn't care if we put them off in the Hebrides!"
Ianaire also indicated smoking will also be permitted throughout the ship, but cautioned passenger about bring on board their own cigarettes which would be subject to confiscation. "We have a ship's store that carries all brands of Fags, "said McFrugal, "they're available by the 1/2 pack for $15, or one may purchase single issue sticks for only $2. All cigars are at Market Price."