Written by Mike Roberts
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Monday, 26 April 2010

image for Paedophile priests - theological dilemma 'cracked'
"No kids, no sex. No sex with kids." says Vatican spokesman

Pope Benedict XVI announced today that senior scholars at the Vatican had 'cracked' the theological dilemma presented by paedophile priests.

The dilemma exists because "Our lord, in his revelations to Moses, forgot to mention that sex with minors is sinful." pointed out his holiness. "Without clear direction from the 'the man upstairs', it has been difficult for us to find a sound basis upon which we can attack this vile practice."

Until now, the church has had to rely upon its celibacy ruling to justify taking action against priests, something which has been a major headache for them. One senior bishop put the case rather succinctly when he commented, "Hell, most of the priesthood have girlfriends, even families, we just don't like to talk about it. If we take action against paedophiles, they'll just say we're picking on them and ignoring the 'straights'."

A possible solution to the conundrum first presented itself on 1st April when the Archbishop of Westminster in England commented on the reasons why contraception is wrong. The key point he made was that anything which 'interfered' with conception is a sin.

"Quite obviously, sex with children will not result in a 'blessed' union and clearly violates the 'every sperm is sacred' teachings in the bible", said his Holiness. "Using this as a basis we can now attack paedophilia with the same levels of indignation and vehemence that we have traditionally reserved solely for homosexuals".

When it was pointed out that this argument could not be applied to young girls who, whilst underage, had nonetheless reached puberty, the Pope said that given the predominance of boy victims amongst reported cases, they didn't see this as a big problem.

"We're only talking about a small number of victims here, and they're women anyway so aren't really important." the Pope continued, "While it is of course regrettable that even a small minority of victims will fall through the net due to a 'technical' loophole, God's lack of clarity in this matter gives us no option but to 'turn a blind eye' in these particular cases."

On a more positive note the Pope said that, overall, the church is 'very pleased' with the solution. "One added benefit is that we can use the lack of procreative possibilities to justify our linking of gays with paedophilia and continue our bigoted and hate-filled condemnation of these scum, just as the Lord intended."

The Archbishop of Westminster, when asked to comment on just how significant his remarks had become said, "I'm really embarrassed by this actually. Didn't anyone notice the date of the press release? It was an April fools' day joke, I never meant anyone to take it seriously!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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