Written by David Cumti
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Topics: Iraq, Saddam Hussein

Friday, 4 February 2005

image for Iraq Votes Counted, Saddam Hussein Declared Write-In Winner

After totaling the votes following the first democratic Iraq election in over fifty years, officials have declared Saddam Hussein the uncontested winner for position of "President and Supreme Ruler." Despite not being on the ballot, the former dictator garnered 99.9% of the vote as a write-in candidate.

Hussein's victory has the Bush administration scrambling to develop a plan for what is described as a "most unexpected turn events for democracy in the Middle East."

"The voice of democracy has spoken in Iraq," White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan said in briefing. "We just didn't know it would tell us this."

Hussein, ousted last year by American forces, has won past elections which the United States dismissed as rigged and illegal. After his landslide victory, there is little question as to the will of the Iraqi people.

President Bush has ordered the volunteers who participated in the U.S. elections of 2000 to conduct a full scale recount. Bush was confident that despite Hussein's high margin of victory, a new winner would be found.

"It worked me for me against Gore," the president said in a statement. "And I'm sure they really voted for me in the Iraqi elections, too."

Should the recount confirm a victory by Hussein, the Bush administration has already met to create contingency plans in dealing with the budding Middle East democracy.

A high level U.S. official leaked several suggestions developed by the White House and Pentagon to combat what they described as the new Iraqi "democratic tyranny." He stated that most of the plans involved "more troops and more bombs."

M'Bar Al Insaari, an Iraqi election worker in Basra, was excited about the return of the Hussein administration and immediately applied for a role in the new government. As a Hussein follower and fan since 1979, he took to the streets yelling, "Twenty-four more years, twenty-four more years."

Officials in Iraq have begun drawing up plans for an elaborate inauguration ceremony, to include speeches, a parade, and several beheadings. President Bush has volunteered the U.S. military for security of the event, saying that he could have snipers posted to "protect the sanctity of the event."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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