Written by Jalapenoman
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Topics: Bombs, Poland, WMD, Helium

Sunday, 18 April 2010

image for Polish Military Scientists Build Helium Bomb
Stay away, it might be dangerous

Polish Miitary Scientists have been working since the break up of the Soviet Union to build their own "weapons of mass destruction" and have finally succeeded with the creation of a Helium bomb. Poland's Foreign Minister, Lech Snotchowski, said that "we feel that our country also needs to be a part of the atomic age and that we must have the ability to defend ourselves against terrorism and foreign powers."

"While the Americans, Russians, and many other countries have developed their atomic bombs, hydrogen bombs, cobalt bombs, and neutron bombs, we decided to be original and look for the explosive powers of other elements."

"If this bomb is unsuccessful, we will go back to the drawing board. We have ideas already for an oxygen bomb, a barium bomb, and an iodine bomb."

Some of the failures of the Poles include:

  • The Methane Bomb, which leaves everything smelling like cow farts
  • The Neon Bomb, which gave everything an eerie glow, but didn't harm anyone
  • The Krypton Bomb, which glowed green and only destroyed comic books
  • The Carbon Bomb, which flooded the Polish jewelry market with man made diamonds
  • The Chlorine Bomb, which made clothes come out white and germ free
  • The Sodium Bomb, which left a fine film of salt on everything (and raised cholesterol)
  • The Sulphur Bomb (similar results to the methane bomb, but these smelled like egg farts)
  • The Lithium Bomb, which didn't even stop the Energizer Bunny
  • The Flourine Bomb, which just made everyone's teeth stronger
  • The Silicon Bomb, which made Polish men call for more nude beaches and resorts

A representative of the Military Scientists did issue a special "thank you" to the Physics Department of Texas A&M University for their assistance in their research and development. "We don't know if we could have done it without the Aggies," said Doctor Bratwurstski.

The first test of the Helium Bomb was conducted on an island in the Antarctic. Observers who watched from a distance noted little destruction, but they and nearby penguins were all talking like the munchkins and were looking for the Lollipop Guild.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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