In a startling report uncovered after more than a decade of being denied, the Vatican was forced to admit to unprecedented sexual abuse of Nuns by Priests in 23 countries.
Cynics say the tardy release of the report is a response by the church to combat reports that the religious institution is infested with homosexual pedophiles after world wide revelations of sexual abuse that has been covered up for at least a hundred years.
One spokesman for the Church, while admitting the latest charges, said they were isolated mostly to the continent of Africa where Priests turned to the Nuns for gratification after local prostitutes were considered "unsafe' due to rampant Aids infection.
In reported and documented cases Nuns were urged to 'get on the pill' or in the event of a pregnancy, terminate the birth, in what some are calling the "Stupak Manifesto", where you preach one thing but then sell out to protect your religious or political Regime.
In one religious parish 29 nuns were impregnated by Priests in the Diocese.
In another, a nun died during an abortion, and her funeral mass was held by the Priest that had impregnated her.
In yet another twist to the Catholic Church Scandal, a spokesman responsible for the recruitment of potential new Priests, a program that had been in serious decline, says the release of the report has sparked renewed interest in applying for Priest Positions throughout the world.
The spokesman said the increased interest in Priesthood had nothing to do with the Church's implied consent for abusing nuns, but had everything to do with the world economic situation, which he blamed on "Zionist Bankers, Atheists, and The Spoof.com which encourages 'puerile voyeurism concerning sacred body parts....especially "BIG UNs!"
In order to distract critics of the Church, a Priest in charge of the Exorcism Section, said that 'Ash Wednesday' will continue until further notice, or at least until people forget about the sex reports, and the Vatican can resume
'Business as Usual."
Reactions in the financial community immediately reflected concern as the Vatican (VAT) dropped 35% closing at $320....30 points below Google, but still 150 points above Goldman Sachs.