The astounding clouds of ash that have affected everything from sunsets, airline schedules to women's periods have today been revealed as a result of highly secret RAF atomic bombing runs over Berlin earlier this week, runs which destroyed the totalitarian autocratic national socialist dictatorship of Germany, center of Axis power, and may have effectively ended the war.
The resultant clouds of radioactive ash have grounded planes across Europe and the North Atlantic for days. Counter-intelligence stories that have circulated blaming the ash on a volcanic eruption in Iceland have been debunked by this announcement, as well as the discovery that Iceland does not, in fact, exist.
Exact figures are unknown but at least two American-made A-bombs carried on RAF planes successfully detonated over the city of Berlin, with a third missing Berlin entirely and taking out Switzerland, the 'neutral' state which had been raking it in from both sides via turn-a-blind-eye say-no-more-wink-wink banking practices and overcharging for chocolates.
Führer und Reichskanzler Adolf Hitler is missing and presumed dead; ReichsMarshall Herman Goering fled to Occupied France where he has declared 'government in exile' for Großdeutsches Reich, frantically issuing contradictory commands to various administrators and officers who are now, presumably, only smouldering piles of radioactive Kraut ash.
Kriegsmarine U-boats are still receiving coded Enigma messages from a secret, ever-moving location and several dozen submarines currently roam the Atlantic, posing hazards to cruiselines and fisheries. EU citizens have been advised to cancel trans-Atlantic travel plans until further notice.
Immediate unilateral German disarmament and heavy reparations are sought by Soviet Russia, whose forces have broken the seige of Leningrad in the wake of Berlin's destruction.
These astonishing revelations from Downing Street have taken the world by surprise, particularly Berliners on holiday.