Speaking at a roast for Johnny Carson yesterday, the Lord God Almighty charged Indonesia with inflating the death count from December's tsunami "just to make me look bad." He then threatened "to give those heathens something to whine about if they're not careful."
The wrath of God was incurred when Indonesia's Health Ministry announced it was lowering the tsunami death count from 170,000 to 96,000. A spokesman for the ministry apologized for any inconvenience "we may have caused to anyone living or dead." He vowed that in the future the ministry will count as dead only those people who have actually been buried. Missing persons will not be counted as dead until they have been missing for a year or begin to smell bad.
God, however, was not mollified by the apology. "You can't write off a 77-percent body-count inflation with a simple ‘my bad,'" he thundered. "Especially with sweeps month just around the corner."
Sweeps month, when the world's major religions conduct massive recruiting campaigns, begins February 1. According to reports from the World Council of Churches, Christianity lost ground to Muslimism in 2004 because the United States continued presence in Iraq sent novice terrorists flocking to Allah in large numbers. The tsunami in Indonesia, which is 85 percent Muslim, is not expected to help God's popularity there.
One source close to the heavenly throne said that God, in addition to being "furious" with Indonesia, is privately distressed with President Bush for claiming that God told him to invade Iraq. "That had a negative impact on our numbers, especially among Quakers, many of whom became Unitarians. If it hadn't been for ‘The Passion of the Christ,' last year would have been a disaster," said the source.
"How are we supposed to recruit when Allah starts running attack ads about the tsunami?" he continued "If you're an impressionable kid and one religion offers you milk and honey and virgins, while another religion offers you a chance to surf a wave the size of Mount Everest in your bare feet, which one are you going to choose? If things go badly for us during sweeps month, I'd move to the Himalayas if I lived in Indonesia."
In related news, Johnny Carson apologized to friends at the roast for "keeping you waiting so long." After pausing an impeccably timed beat, Carson added, "Actually, I'm surprise at seeing so many of you here. Somebody must have lowered the entrance requirements."