Written by Mike Roberts
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Topics: Gay, Vatican, paedophiles

Wednesday, 14 April 2010

image for Vatican: Paedophiles are gays
"No, I didn't write it. Now go away and stop taking pictures of me." said Pope Benedict XVI

Cardinal Tarcisio Bertone, the Vatican's foreign minister, has come under criticism for remarks he made linking homosexuality with paedophilia. BBC News - Vatican comment on paedophiles draws gay groups anger.

"During our investigations we discovered that one of the offending priests had a large 1970s moustache and owned a pair of crotchless leather trousers. Anyone with even a passing interest in gay pornography cannot fail to miss the connection." said the cardinal. "At least that's what I've been told." he quickly added.

When pressed further regarding other evidence that might support the church's position, the cardinal produced copies of what he claimed were peer reviewed research papers on the subject and pointed out the relevant paragraphs.

"If a man lies with a young boy or girl as he lies with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination and are definitely gay.

Nor shall you mate with any animal, to defile yourself with it. (Editor: this is okay now, along with eating the meat if it's a Friday, please delete this sentence before publication)."

"Err.. forget that last paragraph, it shouldn't be in there." continued the cardinal. "It's a draft copy and still needs a few changes."

The authenticity of the research was quickly called into question when journalists noted several similarities between the paper and a well-known work of fiction dating back to the first century AD.

Speculation that the 'research' might be a church forgery intensified further when it was noted that the work was attributed to: Joseph Ratzinger (definitely NOT 'the' Joseph Ratzinger)

In answer to this criticism the cardinal replied, "Why should it be surprising that our, sorry I mean independent modern scientific, research coincides with and reaches the same conclusions as the 'eternal' word of God?"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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