Written by P.M. Wortham
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Topics: Military, Kyrgyzstan

Thursday, 8 April 2010

image for Kyrgyzstan Closes U.S. Military Access to Strategic Base
"I'm sorry sir, you can't park here"

While in the midst of political and social unrest after the country's recent coup, Roza Otunbayeva, interim leader of Kyrgyzstan, changed her mind early this morning and announced the closing of access to their strategic air base to all U.S. military personnel.

While thanking the U.S. for the rather large cash deposit made just the year before to secure access to the air field, Otunbayeva said that while she "appreciated the extra money in the state's bank account", the U.S. access to the base was "not in the best interest of our people".

Perhaps influenced by factors other than money, the country that could easily fit inside the borders of most U.S. Midwestern states, sits in between or a stones throw away from China, Russia, Pakistan, Afghanistan, and Kazakhstan. "We knew Kyrgyzstan was a short 30 minute bomber flight from just about everybody so it was nice to have some of our planes there", says political envoy Max Headswell. "Maybe they would appreciate some Western support in a form other than cash".

Headswell, not known for being able to keep his mouth shut, unveiled a plan to open several retail and commodity centers near Roza Otunbayeva's home. "Once her neighbors get hooked on Starducks Mocha Latte's, McDonalds Double Cheeseburgers, and T-Shirts from Abercrumbie & Fetch, they will beg us to stay", says Headswell. "We're like the Borg. Once we're in, you can't get rid of us, and I don't see Patrick Stewart anywhere trying to stop us."

In a related story, Max Headswell was dismissed from his government post an hour after the interview, and was found beaten to a pulp in an alley three blocks from the Pentagon. A simple business card was found in his front coat pocket with a hand written note that said simply, "Engage".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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