Written by Trip Nasti
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Thursday, 8 April 2010

image for Jesus Returns
Shit, he's back, look busy!

Those of you who follow the Bible closely have I'm sure at one time or another spent a few idol moments wondering when the main character of your favourite book would return.

Today it has been revealed that Jesus is at last, once again, amongst us.

The modern world is a far cry from the first time that The Big J paid a visit.

It stands to reason that the organic vessel that Jesus has chosen to use this time is a far cry from the spindly hirsute model he used last time.

The last time that Jesus visited Earth, his favourite past times were, cruising around Galilee on a tricked out donkey touching lepers. This time however, Jesus' favourite past times are smashing faces and fornicating Jordan in trap two.

That is right, you have heard correctly. This time, Jesus is the perma-tanned, cross dressing, bone crushing, cage fighting cockney Alex Reid.

Don King, Jesus'/ Reid's, spokesperson announced this morning that on the 8th of May there will be a 'Sting in the Ring' cage fight held at the Devizes Corn Exchange, in which Jesus/ Reid will be fighting Casey Kasem, the voice of Shaggy Rogers of Scooby Doo fame.

"Where as last time Jesus used his powers for good, this time he's gonna use them for hurting. When my boy, Jesus, steps in to that ring on the 8th of May, available on Sky Box Office, Mr Kasem will not know what has hit him, again and again and again. And when Mr Kasem becomes a holy spirit himself, Jesus can just lay his healing hand on Kasems broken body and bring him back....for another ass whooping."

Jordan, although said to be happy with her new vagina after Jesus/ Reid fixed her tattered old one, is also said to be livid that Reid has turned out to be Jesus. Jordans anger seems to stem from the fact that the news has thrust Jesus/ Reid in to the daily rags but also his book is totally outselling hers.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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