WASHINGTON DC (AP) Fearing a surprise attack from the Saturn Titans, the United States has launched pre-emptive nuclear strikes against several key targets on Titan -- a moon of the ringed planet Saturn. At a White House briefing, President George W. Bush said, "We had one Titanic disaster not too long ago, and I wasn't going to let another bunch of Titans get the jump on America again. We've been planning this Titan attack ever since my re-election this past fall. The overwhelming mandate that was given me by the American people gave me the power to bomb those Titans all the way back to Saturn!"
President Bush went on to say, "Those spineless Europeans were going to just keep taking pictures and more pictures of that Titan. There comes a time when you have to do more than just take pictures! I spoke to Tony Blair last month and he too was very worried about another repeat of the Titanic. Our intelligence revealed many secret icebergs hidden below the surface of Titan. Any one of them could have been used to unleash another Titanic tragedy. I personally had many wealthy friends that were lost on the first Titanic. The recent preemptive nuclear strike against Titan will make our world much safer from the threat of terrorist Titans."
At the Pentagon, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld reported that there were fourteen nuclear devices parachuted onto Titan.
The Rumsfeld "Ring Buster"
Rumsfeld said, "The Huygens observed at least thirteen mushroom shaped clouds in the Titan atmosphere. Does this mean that there is one unexploded nuclear device on Titan? I don't know. I don't really care. Next month we're going to send Senator Kerry and Jane Fonda to Titan to see what they can find out about that unexploded bomb and to perhaps meet with the surviving Titans to get peace talks going. And no.... I do not have any plans to detonate that last bomb while Senator Kerry is drinking tea with the Titan leaders!"
In Iran, well placed government sources reported "great relief" on the news of the Titan bombings. "We thought George Bush was coming after us! This gives us some much needed breathing room so we can finish our nuclear arsenal and get our missiles properly aimed at Israel. That Huygens Titan mission sure saved our asses!"