The Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) announced yesterday that its code-cracking experts have deciphered a hidden message found at the end of Osama bin Laden's most recent address to the American people. Mr. bin Laden's address, which some observers view as an attempt to manipulate the odds on the Super Bowl, was first aired by the popular Arab shopping channel Al-Jazeera.
Dressed in flattering hand-woven robes from Al-Jazeera's Mountain Hideaway collection, Mr. bin Laden began his address, as he often does, by mocking President Bush for being "more interested in listening to the child's story about the goat than worrying about the infidels trapped in the World Trade Center."
Most CIA language-and-nuance experts believe that Mr. bin Laden uses this rhetorical device to extend "mad props" to Michael Moore, who featured the Bush-in-the-classroom scene in Fahrenheit 911. "It's no secret in intelligence circles," said one high-ranking CIA official, "that bin Laden would love to be featured in a Moore documentary."
Other observers claim that Mr. bin Laden's use of the third-person pejorative, a little known Muslim construction, means that Mr. bin Laden is calling Mr. Bush "a goat-bothering pedophile." This is the supreme Muslim insult, and the person to whom it is directed has no choice but to go to war with the wrong enemy in order to save face.
No matter what their interpretation, all observers reported that the rebel leader closed his address with this warning to Americans: "The odds on the games you play are not in the hands of your president or Las Vegas Vic. The odds are in your own hands. Any player that does not try to influence us, will not be subject to influence."
The Spoof! learned recently, however, that an extra 57 seconds of "gibberish" following this warning had been ignored by the CIA because "it sounded like pig Latin." This according to one CIA operative, who spoke on condition of anonymity.
Upon closer inspection that passage turned out to be actual pig Latin. The Spoof! has obtained a verbatim transcript of that passage, which is presented here in translation.
"To Mohammed in Tulsa: We're running low on trail mix and toilet paper. Please send several cases of Trader Joe's Mountain Climber Special-the organic kind without the sunflower seeds. They give me gas. We also need some toilet paper. Make sure it's two-ply, and get Charmin, not the store brand. Also, if the director's cut of Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle is out yet, please send it. Finally, if it isn't too much trouble, we need blue contact lenses and Michael Jackson Skin Lightener, #9."
In related news, after the $170 million computer program purchased by the FBI to help agents share information about terrorists failed abysmally, the bureau announced it was scrapping the program and switching to KaZaa. The Recording Industry Association of America immediately threatened to sue if the FBI did.