Written by Harry Porter
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Topics: Names, planet

Friday, 14 January 2005

image for Dead Aid Set to Rock the Planet
The gig to end gigs - no ticket required

Some of the greatest names on the planet are lining up for what is being dubbed ‘the gig to end all gigs' - Dead Aid.

The global show, expected to attract a total worldwide audience, is being held in an effort to wipe out earth's greatest misery - man.

Already veteran megastars Earthquake, Flood, Famine, Flatulence, Pestilence, Disease and Drought have signed up for the event which is expected to run until the end of mankind's existence in the next few months.

But there is a host of relative newcomers on the bill including rising star Pollution, ever popular Global Exploitation and new chart-topper and heart-melter Climate Change.

Nature herself is organising the festival and is confident it really can make a difference.

"Mankind and natural forces have always had an uneasy relationship," said the feisty force. "Lately though, man has really start to mess with us and it's just kind of ticked everyone off.

"We're all geared up for this now and unless the bald apes back down and quickly change their way of thinking they are, literally, in a world of trouble."

While mankind has embarked on his own culling programme through its personally cultivated tactics of war, greed and corruption, recent headline acts by Nature have shown weapons of mass destruction are but a spit in the eye of a tornado.

There are no plans for a charity record to launch Dead Aid but it is believed the event will be televised and filmed.

It was hoped God would put in an appearance, particularly near the finale, but Nature said she thought this highly unlikely.

"God has seen this coming and He knows how it ends, so we doubt He'll sit through the show," she explained.

"We did have a few meetings and I get the impression He's a bit disappointed at how things have turned out but quite resigned to the slate being wiped clean and a fresh start.

"If He turns up, good and well but don't count on Him performing."

Despite the absence of God's unpredictable brilliance, Dead Aid has still a string of exciting names on the bill and there are likely to be a few more surprises before the final curtain.

Rumours that the big finale will involve all the headline acts on stage at the same time in a dramatic boiling oceans spectacle would be neither confirmed nor denied by the organisers.

Footnote: Dead Aid is a free event and no tickets are required. A personal performance in your home is also guaranteed.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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