Written by Jerry Cornelium
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Topics: Death, Chocolate

Thursday, 13 January 2005

MoMA agrees to buy chocolate milk stained Pollock, gives struggling family lifetime membership

NEW YORK, NY --- Calling leading art historian Jonathan Lowe's recent comments "mean spirited and unacceptable", the director of New York's Museum of Modern Art (MoMA), Dr. Lawrence E. Glenn announced Lowe's immediate dismissal. Last week, Lowe, who was the curator of MoMA's abstract expressionist exhibit, exhorted the art community to murder a young, widowed mother of four (see our previous story Priceless Pollock destroyed).

The South Dakota woman's "sin so grave it can only be paid in blood" was taping a rare Jackson Pollock sketch to her refrigerator, because she had mistaken it for one of her son's art projects. Nora Paskow has been in hiding since Lowe's remarks were made public.

Glenn stated that, like all public museums, MoMA is a family institution.

"To incite the killing of working moms is in direct contradiction to our mission," he said. "Lowe's remarks were not only cruel and unacceptable; they have embarrassed our institution beyond measure. I can't begin to tell this family just how sorry I am. And the fact that academics are more prone to violence than many folks would like to believe can be little consolation."

The Pollock sketch is indeed very important, he explained, as it proves that the artist didn't simply "slosh paint on the canvas while dead drunk", but actually planned out his artworks very carefully. Considering the sketch's historical significance, Glenn estimated the value of the 8 ½" x 11" sketch upwards of two million dollars, even in its damaged condition.

"MoMA's restoration staff is top notch. We could take care of four year-old Leo Paskow's chocolate milk stains and the scotch tape in no time," Glenn said.

Glenn hopes that besides the museum's sincerest apologies, Paskow will accept a check for $ 2.4 mill. - and a lifetime family membership to MoMA.

He was especially struck by young Leo's promise never to draw again, as long as Lowe wouldn't hurt his mother.

"I just want to say this to Leo," Glenn stated. "Please keep drawing and painting. If your mother thinks you are as good as Jackson Pollock, then one day, when you're all grown-up, your paintings will be shown in this museum, too."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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