Geneva, Switzerland-- The WHO (Whirled Heads Organization) is warning of a catastrophic pandemic of cat-scratch fever this Spring, and it could take the lives of billions. Hundreds of cases have been reported in the USA already. The fatality rate is 100% and there is no cure.
This years strain of cat-scratch fever is much different than the usual mild strain. Fever will occur within seconds after a scratch from an infected cat. The fever rises rapidly to 350 degrees, instantly killing--and cooking--the human victim. The victim then turns into a soft, mushy cat food and is devoured with great pleasure by the cat.
Hordes of cats, both domestic and feral, have been roaming the land, spreading the cat-scratch fever plague. The WHO is recommending people stay indoors and to have no contact with any felines.
Cat owners are being warned that it might already be too late to save themselves. The WHO suggests cat owners lie down on the floor next to a bowl of milk, and prepare to be eaten. It makes things so much easier for the cat.