Written by Morse
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Wednesday, 31 March 2010

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Flood Waters Pour out of Entrance to Rhode Island Bar where Kennedy's Car was Found!

After 15" of unprecedented rain fall, the state of Rhode Island, aptly named 'The Ocean State' continues to search for survivors, including Representative Patrick "Patches" Kennedy, son of the late Senator Ted Kennedy.

The troubled representative who claimed he would not run again for office after the Kennedy name was finally put to bed in Massachusetts with the Scott Brown drubbing of Martha Coakley, was feared 'swept away' after his car was found upside down inside a famous Irish Pub bordering the Pawtuxet River in Cranston.

The pub, dubbed the "Grope & Grab" was a famous hangout for the late Ted Kennedy and his drinking buddy Senator Chris Dodd from Connecticut, and the scene of many late night binges and nude waitress wresting competitions.

It is said that Patches, still single after all these years, has been inconsolable after the passing of his father, and may have fallen off the wagon.

Young Kennedy has been plagued with alcohol and drug abuse since his college days, and his rap sheet, detailing foibles miraculously reported, is long, and makes for interesting reading.

A string of car crashes, an abandoned rental boat with $28,000 worth of damage, and several stints in rehabs however, did not keep the Democratic Party from continuously electing him to his seat in Rhode Island.

Except for his recent tirade in front of the camera in the House of Representatives concerning the lack of media coverage on a bill he proposed to lower the drinking age to 12 in Rhode Island, his most famous quote came in 2003 where he responded to critics who said he didn't have enough experience to govern.

Responding angrily, Patrick said, " I never worked a fucking day in my life," a certain plus on any Kennedy's resume assuring automatic re election.

Several regular patrons of the Grope & Grab are skeptical that Patches has been lost.

Said Sean O'Malley the former Door Man, now temporary Life Guard, "Patches...don't worry about him! He's a Kennedy, he could survive a shit storm just like his old man. Like Teddy he's probably out trying to save people that got sucked into the river. My bet is you'll find him down river aways, still diving trying to find a missing body without regard to his own personal safety. At least I hope so....he left a hell of a big fooking bar tab behind him!"

President Obama has declared Rhode Island eligible for Disaster Relief and is dispatching over $10B in aid to the "underwater " state which is also on the verge of bankruptcy.

Members of he Patriarca Crime Family are said to be mobilizing to help disperse the funds, and also pledged to continue to search for 'Patches', who the FBI says was instrumental in keeping the Patriarca Candy Store open for business as usual, as well as providing political cover to Massachusetts Crime Boss Whitey Bolger, who still is on the loose somewhere on Cape Cod.

The governor of Rhode Island says if Patches isn't found, the state will declare April 1 to be designated "The REAL Saint Patrick's Day in Rhode Island!"

People all over Rhode Island are even now lining up at Wet Bars throughout the state in gleeful anticipation.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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