Former President Saddam Hussein has been selected to run and win the Iraq election in late January. Fearing Iraq could divide into three separate nations: Kurd, Sunni and Shi'a, and knowing he was successful in holding the place together for the last twenty years, Saddam was tapped for the job.
It's amazing what Crest white strips, a good haircut and Italian tailoring can do to rehabilitate a former incarcerated prisoner who was in an undisclosed location for the last year. Soon to follow `Amber Frey, Witness: For the Prosecution', Harper Collins, $24.00, on a book promotion tour, Saddam Hussein will explain it all in, Arachnophobia: Seeing the Light, Harper Collins, $75.00. There are also plans for him to host Saturday Night Live, a cooking stint with Iron Chefs America, and a guest appearance on ER.
Tired of spending millions of dollars in Iraq fighting insurgents with no success, the Bush administration is asking Congress for a final zillion to pay each Iraqi a million dollars, hoping it will be sufficient to hold the door open long enough for the coalition to make a fast dash out of the country. The war would then be declared a victory, the elections will produce Saddam Hussein as the newly elected head of Iraq, and as Diane Keaton triumphantly said in Baby Boom, "I'm back."
There will no longer be any giant statues of Saddam Hussein throughout Iraq. "That's okay," Hussein promised, in his Cookie Monster voice. He would have to live in a small one bedroom condo, as all of his palaces have been taken over by Halliburton. "That's okay." No more Bath Party. "That's okay." No more weapons of mass destruction. "Wha? That's okay." No more prisons and torture chambers. "Abu Ghraib is going to be dismantled?" The U.S. announced plans to preserve it as a historical monument of the evil old regime, but may have future use for it. "That's okay." He would also have to wear a transmitter under his jacket at all times. "Will it make my arms flare out at my sides like the tooth fairy when I walk?" Yes. "That's okay."