Written by MostlyHarmless
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Friday, 26 March 2010

image for Huge Glacier Disappears in Norway
Norwegian glacier monitoring station

A huge glacier has disappeared without trace in northern Norway.

"It was there last autumn" explained Norwegian geologist Lööf Lîrpa, calling from his log cabin inside the Arctic circle.

"It's dark all day here in the winter, and we were all too busy singing old Viking songs, drinking aquavit and maintaining the population, though not necessarily in that order, to go and check on it.

"Anyway, to hell with scientific monitoring when it's so bloody cold the toilet paper freezes to your bum and condoms shatter when you tear the foil off. I know people will blame global warming, but in the winter we have a countrywide shortage of brass welding gear, and you can draw your own conclusions from THAT economic statistic.

"It can't have melted, it's just too cold up here. We've informed the local police, but they just gave us a funny look, and I'm sure they won't check it out. It's an ecological catastrophe - all the local hotels and bars will have to buy in ice now it's gone, and I'm sure unemployment will increase, to say nothing of the effect on the summer tourist trade. I might have to consider moving to climate science, but as I've got two PhDs in geology and physics, I could be considered to be over-qualified".

The Likk Sköl ("Ice Tongue") glacier will now be added to the UN's list of 473,000 missing glaciers, and Interpol have agreed to post it as "Missing presumed melted or stolen".

Our Irish Spoof reporter, Lunchtime O'Booze, apparently broke his leg soon after quaffing a few aquavits with flaxen-haired Norwegian floozies in a bar in Narvik, and will be forced to spend the entire summer there until he's fully fit, or as he said to the deputy editor "until my money runs out".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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