Written by K.C. Bell
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Monday, 21 March 2005

image for United States to Invade Kenya

The Bush administration announced today that it plans to invade Kenya, winner of the 2004 Nobel Peace Prize, in search of weapons of mass destruction or WMD.

Insisting at a news conference, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said, "We need boots on the ground in Kenya. Forget Iran and North Korea, Kenya poses a greater threat to the security, stability, safety, sanctity and salvation of our great nation."

Kenyan President Mwai Kibaki immediately issued a statement denying that there were any weapons of mass destruction or WMD in Kenya, welcoming the American army to visit Kenya at any time without tanks, humvees, aircraft, bombs, rocket propelled grenades, landmines, machine guns or rifles.

The Secretary of Defense remained adamant, replying to questions, "No, no, no, steady on there. Sorry, we go to war with the army we've got and our army goes armed and this campaign will be known as Project Java."

In France, President Jacques Chirac questioned whether the Americans had completely lost their minds. "And what is this Porject Java?" Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin attempted to reassure him, insisting that the American news media would never sit on their hands with Project Java.

"George Bush could walk out to a press conference wearing an Eiffel tower transmitter on his head and the American news media would say, 'Nice hat'."

Putin nodded silently in agreement.

The origins of Project Java can be traced to December 11, 2004, when film star Nicole Kidman was driving alone through Kenya in a green Range Rover and ran out of gasoline. The only liquid she had in the car was a thermos filled with Kenyan espresso and after pouring it into the gas tank, she turned the key in the ignition, started the motor, and it perked for seventy miles, all the way to Nairobi. The result was the birth of Project Java.

Alerted to the high octane found in Kenyan coffee, Halliburton immediately moved into action receiving a no bid contract to retrofit oil refineries to brew coffee instead of oil. When questions were raised about the morality of invading Kenya, Vice President Cheney insisted Kenya remain a threat to the United States. "We're giving them elections next year and going to make that nation a Democracy."

When a European reporter reminded the Vice President that Kenya was already a Democracy, Cheney replied, "We'll introduce the Diebold Voting System and give them our kind of Democracy."

Back in Russia, Vladimir Putin was overheard to commiserate in a whisper to his bodyguard, "Think what they would do if they were to discover that Russia has been fueled for years with Vodka?"

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