A recent medical report released by a part time biologist, medical journal writer, and full time vegetarian claims the regular use of bananas can halt the spread of Aids!
Still not tested by the FDA, the report states that a special ingredient in bananas, called BanLec wards off infections and provides a boost to the human immune system providing more effective treatment than current medications.
A host of Medical Banana Dispensaries are now hurriedly being opened, most right next to the plethora of legalized medical marijuana dispensaries that are doing a land office business defying an otherwise flat US economy in the Bay City.
The bananas, most imported from Brazil since Venezuelan Banana groves were taken over by a Hugo Chavez mandate effectively cutting off productivity, now appear on the Dow Jones futures reports along with Hog Bellies, Oranges, Soy Beans , Beef, Haggis and Ruff Rice.
Trading in Banana futures is 'very strong' according to Banana Hedge Fund manager Bernie Mendelsohn, 23, from his office overlooking the Golden Gate Bridge. "Yesterday I was just another DJ trying to make a living, today, thanks to bananas I'm the richest fucking fruit in the city!"
Interviews amongst those stocking up on bananas were mixed. Some said they were buying them because they thought it was the right thing to do for the planet. Others said they wanted to support AIDs victims, while still others said they loved spiders and were hoping if they bought enough bananas they would be lucky enough to find their own black widow spider like the prize they used to get in Cracker Jacks.
Those actually buying bananas in order to practice safe sex were supremely disappointed. Bruce, an out of work valet parking attendant who was counting on Pelosi's health care bill to pass enabling him to quit his day job so he could pursue his charcoal sketches of pigeons in the park, said Bananas didn't do it for him, or his partner. And they tried. Hard.
"Listen man, it's a good idea and everything, and we gave it a try. Dude, when you peel that son of bitch and try to cram it up your arse, it just turns to mush! It may be healthy, but we just couldn't get off onnit!"