Cupid, the mischievous winged child whose arrows pierce the hearts of his victims causing them to fall deeply in love decided to hang up his quiver today.
This stunning announcement comes hot on the heels of a study that concluded people are getting married at a later age, and staying married for a shorter time than at any point in history.
I caught up with Cupid earlier this week for drinks at his latest business venture, the Eros Bar & Casino in Windsor, Canada.
"I just can't take that crap anymore." Said Cupid as the bartender poured another double Smirnoff (rocks, twist). "No one gives a damn anymore. Even when my arrows score a direct hit it doesn't mean the relationship is going to last."
The years of frustration were beginning to show on Cupid's face. He knocked back another Smirnoff and asked, "What paper are you with, pal?"
"Well, I'm a freelance journalist." I quickly responded, afraid of offending him and losing the biggest story of the decade.
Cupid let out a bellowing "Ahhhhhhh" as he put away another gulp of vodka and continued pressing me. "Ever do any work for Ted Turner?" He asked.
"Well, I don't think so, but I've sold a number of articles to a number of publications and he owns a lot of thi...."
"What a jerk he is!" Interrupted Cupid. "If you've ever worked for him, this interview is off!"
"No, no, I've never worked for him." I quickly replied. "What's your problem with Ted Turner?"
Cupid started doodling on a cocktail napkin. "This is just one example of the frustrations of my job. A few years ago I hear that Turner wants to hook up with Jane Fonda. So I figure, hey, I'm Cupid for Chrissakes, maybe I can do something about this."
I was scribbling feverishly in my notebook as Cupid continued talking, his speech beginning to slur a bit at this point.
"So I load up the arrows and head off to Atlanta where I know Ted and Jane will be at the same party that night. It was just another night at the office for me, nothing I hadn't done successfully thousands of times before. I laid a perfect love arrow shot right through Jane's heart. She then cast a loving glance at Ted, blah blah-blah, so I figured the rest was a done deal so I split."
I chimed in, "But they're divorced, what went wr..."
"The arrows," Cupid interrupted again, "the arrows can't effectively penetrate silicone. I mean, Jesus, I can't take it anymore. They split up, I look like a failure, and it's all because of this silicone crap. And can anyone tell me just what in the hell a feminist is doing with fake tits? What's up with that, Bobby?"
"Don't know, boss." Says the bartender as he cracks open another bottle for us. "It's a strange world... pretzels?"
"Thanks, Bobby." Cupid said as he let out an audible sigh.
Cupid was visibly intoxicated and I was starting to fear that I was one step away from being put in a headlock with him rubbing my head and saying things like "I luv ya you lil' sumbitch!".
Just then a woman entered the bar. She must have been pushing 400 pounds and was unwashed and unshaven, a sensory buffet with no sneeze guard and yesterday's meatloaf. She approached us and said to me, "Hey, don't you write for Time Magazine?" Cupid just held his drink with his eyes fixed on the bar.
I glanced at the woman in horror as I witnessed her nose hair flowing in and out of her nostrils with every breath like seaweed with the tide. "Yes, I do."
Cupid perked up, setting his drink down and remarking, "Time? That's owned partly by Ted Turner. You do work for him! Why did you lie to me you little muzza fikkin..." His voice trailed off in an alcoholic fog as he pulled out his quiver and an arrow.
"Wait! I just wanted to get the story! No!" I covered my head and turned away.
Cupid then turned and shot a love arrow right through the heart of Tessie, who then began gazing at me like I was a meat lover's pizza.
"I'll be damned," Said Cupid as he slowly walked toward the exit, "I've still got a little magic in these arrows after all. Say hi to Ted for me."
Tessie sat next to me and put her hand on my leg as Cupid walked out the door chuckling.
He may have retired, but he'll be back. Those arrows still pack a punch.