For too many years to remember, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer has led Santa's sleigh through the darkened and chilled skies of a Christmas Eve night delivering presents to children in every corner of the earth. But that may not happen this year.
Rudolph admitted to a shocked audience of elves and reindeer that he has taken steroids for many years. "The pressure was too much," said a visibly shaken Rudolph. "Year after year, so much was expected from me."
Rudolph said that he started taking steroids after a rather physical rutting ritual left him hobbled and mentally exhausted. He sought the help of BALCO owner Victor Conte, who is currently under federal indictment for alledgedly distributing steroids and other controlled substances to prominent athletes.
Santa Claus is currently making plans to save Christmas by auditioning other reindeer to lead his team on Christmas Eve. When asked about Rudolph's status for this year's ride, Santa said that under the current reindeer collective bargaining agreement, he was obligated to "hitch up his old red nose buddy" if he is physically able to do his job. However he doubted Rudolph would be ready in time for this year's sleigh ride.
Prancer was more emphatic. He said even if Rudolph was ready, none of the other reindeer would ride with him. "He is not the type of role model other raindeer should be following." He also stated that he believes that Rudolph is a red nosed menace from the darkest regions of hell and the fact that he would "cheat to get his front seat" proved that he was right.
When asked about his thoughts on Rudolph's admitted steroid use, Dancer just shook his head and stumbled away in a druken stupor muttering incoherently about losing money on the Dallas Cowboys.
Sandy "Shorty" Shortman, the chief elf in charge of Santa's workshop was more sympathetic to Rudolph. "Rudolph's still a champ in my book, said Shorty. "What the heck you expect from these guys?" "Rudolph flies all over the world once a year at speeds up to warp 10 delivering presents to all of the world's kid, and if he needed something to help him get over, then so be it!" Shorty also admitted to us that if it wasn't for "the euphoric high" that results from smoking elfin-homegrown rainbow dust, the elves wouldn't get half of the toys made that they do now.
Rudolph's wife, Clarice reinterated that she "really, really, still likes Rudolph." and added that she still supports him and will work with him to overcome "this difficult period in his life."