The Secret 'Troubles' appears to have spilled from the bedrooms of thousand of UK women with one in ten admitting to faking organisms, and over 48% claiming it was a common occurrence due to inadequate performance by their male partners. Unofficial reports indicate that as many as 9 out of 10 Brit Males are at the least 'closet' gays trying to 'pass' , and they too admit to 'faking it' at least 90% of the time!
Meanwhile Tory Candidate David Cameron commiserated with the frustrated women, at the same time he trotted out a host of mostly gay ministers running on the Tory Ticket promising to bring prosperity back to England by cutting waste, and improving women's sex life by encouraging more emigration from the Colonies of Red Blooded Americans to fill the void left by gender confused Brits.
Over 3,000 women were interviewed and the most common complaint they had was lack of foreplay, and 'no staying power' from their bed mates.
On the other hand, no pun intended, over 5,000 men were interviewed and their complaint was the women were too vain, only interested in satisfying themselves, were prettier than they were, wanted to be worshiped, and most importantly, didn't have a penis, even though they acted like they did.
With the apparent stalemate in the bedroom it is said that personal ads from UK women are appearing at an alarming rate in US papers seeking virile males to visit the UK and satisfy their physical urges.
Government Immigration Ministers are said to be concerned about the alarming trend, and are hastily approving visas in order to curtail what they fear could be an epidemic of frustrated women turning their attention to pre-teen boys easily influenced by new trainers, play station games, and nude self pix sent by phone, especially by middle school teachers. The announced introduction of mini-condoms for the pre teen set hasn't done much to encourage optimism either, except for inquires by thousands of women at the local pharmacy.
The Tourism Business in the US has been revitalized as thousands of red blooded American Construction workers, now out of work, are booking Sex Tours to Portsmouth, Southampton, Yorkshire and Yeoville. Joining the crowd are American Indians, Fire Fighters, Policeman and Wild West Cowboys collectively known as the Y.M.C.A. crowd, who to a man pledged they were on their way to meet a few Brit Boys and 'give 'em a lift by lending a helping hand!"
The Ministry of Education has announced they have placed their first order of 1 million mini-condoms from Switzerland, and will be accelerating their sex education classes for young male students ages 10-13.