Jesus Christ, founder of the Christian religion and son of the monotheistic deity Yahweh, returned to Earth as promised last Tuesday morning. He quickly held a press conference which was broadcast live from New York City to "set the record straight" on a few things.
Pat Robertson of The 700 Club and founder of the Christian Coalition Jerry Falwell quickly appeared on the CBN network to offer live running commentary to help the faithful understand Jesus's cryptic, mysterious words.
"Hello everyone", Jesus began, "let me start by saying while there is an afterlife, there is no hell except for really, really vile people. You don't need to worship me to stay out of it. The name by which you call God is nowhere near as important as just being a good person".
"What the Lord is saying", Robertson began, "is that to be born again is the only way to salvation. He is speaking in a parable. And, by calling the number on the bottom of your screen, you can join our new Rapture Club and be saved today for a gift of as little as $5,000.00".
"Secondly", the Son of Man continued, "stop hurting others or imposing your will on others. I mean, its bad enough telling someone else what to do with his or her body or lifestyle, but its even worse when you do it in my name. And trust me, Buddah, Mohammed, even Zeus and Hera. Nobody up there likes it when you do that. Whether done to a person, a segment of society, or a whole nation".
"Pat", interjected Falwell, whose image appeared in the lower corner of the screen, "if I may field this one, the faithful have no doubt heard how the church fathers used to speak in tongues. That is what the Lord is doing here. It is obvious, to a person of faith, that the Lord is saying he supports the war in Iraq, and a constitutional ban on gay marriage".
Jesus then began a series of strange movements which one observer described as "rolling his eyes", and then another reports he "smacked his own forehead in frustration". Jesus vanished from the Manhattan press conference, and appeared next to Robertson and Falwell in the Lynchburg, VA CBN studio.
"That's it you two. Y'know, just cause I have to love everyone, doesn't mean I have to like everyone. I'd rather take another crucifixion than have you guys telling people that you speak for me", Jesus said as a blue glow began to appear around him.
The glow then extended to surround Robertson and Falwell as well. A strange smirk then appeared on Jesus face, and he spoke words which theology scholars will no doubt debate for years, "This is gonna be sweet. And, by the way, for all you creationists out there, evolution did happen, and this is what it looks like when you take it away".
Robertson and Falwell then morphed into chimpanzees, and begin screaming and making a terrible mess of the 700 Club studio.
A third televangelist, Dr. D. James Kennedy, also of the Christian Coalition, explained the meaning of what happened.
"Friends", Kennedy elaborated, "What we have just witnessed would appear to the unfaithful to be the Lord turning Pat and Jerry into two monkeys who root about in their own filth. But those who have been saved can see that Jerry and Pat ascended bodily into Heaven, and like the righteous patriarchs of old, shall never know death".
Only moments later, Jesus appeared before Kennedy, and transformed him into a creature which looked like a combination between 1980's sitcom character Alf and Gollum from Lord of the Rings. Christ then went to the Oval Office, where he transformed U.S. President George W. Bush into that small dog from the Little Rascals that has a black ring around its eye, and dropped kicked him like a football.