PHILADELPHIA, PA -- Volatile experminenting at Sheldon H. Brockton Laboratories has unfortunately spawned a ubiquitous effect around the globe.
"Formula 61," dubbed by SHBLI researcher Allen Stromburg, was originally devised as an experimental gas for all intents and purposes to have the canine and feline species inexplicably get along with one another. Ongoing experiments failed as the formula was still in it's infancy, but scientists report that the subjects did indeed respond to it quite astonishingly. The felines took on the personality traits of the canines and vice versa.
Two days ago, the laboratory was set ablaze by animal rights activists. Nobody was hurt in the fire (including the animals, who were rescued by the arsonists), but a Formula 61 vile somehow managed to roll itself next to a jug of ether, which then exploded.
That night, witnesses say a haze of red smoke billowed into the sky. It spread over New Jersey in just three minutes. The entire North-Eastern region of the country in under an hour. The country in just over four hours. The rest of the world in a day and a half. It remains there still.
Chemical experts are absolutely stumped as to how such a small vile of formula could have spread itself throughout the Earth's atmosphere in just under two days, but White House correspondent Jim Baxter offers his input:
"Uh, we, uh... Some nice lady told me something like, um... something like... uh... some kind of explosion happened with the thing and that some people are going to, um... feel different with the stuff in the air. Pretty colors."
In other words, the effect the formula had on it's animal test subjects will be the same as on humans throughout the globe. Smart people will inherit the personalities of idiots. Respectable citizens will act like thugs. Obnoxious jerks will be meek as mice, etc. And then there's the vice versa factor.
So, in keeping with this newfound dilemma, NBC News anchor Tom Brokaw interviewd who he thought would be the best person to address this issue: rapper 50 Cent.
TOM BROKAW: Yo, Fiddy, wuddup? Yo, peep dis, my dawgs be clownin' me 'bout dis here formula ish. Somethin' 'bout it how it said BOOM all up in the sky like dat and be makin' us act all crazy. What up wit' dat?
50 CENT: Well, Mr. Brokaw, let me first say how priviledged I feel to be on your show. Regular viewer, you know. The wife and I watch your program daily in between afternoon tea and readings of Vonnegut. Though, getting back to the subject, I must say I don't fully understand why you sought me out as the foremost expert on this Formula 61 matter. Forgive me for being blunt, but wouldn't some chap in the field of scientifics be a more accessible and suitable subject to interview?
TOM BROKAW: What 'choo say to me, punk?
50 CENT: Please, Mr. Brokaw. I hardly think there's any need for that type of demeaning language. I was simply inquiring -
TOM BROKAW: Break yo' self!
50 CENT: Help! Police!
President Bush has yet to comment on this plague. Inside sources say he's confined himself in the Oval Office due to a sheer lapse of depression after suddenly realizing, two days ago, that he just doesn't find "Ren & Stimpy" as funny as he did THREE days ago.