The skating world was holding their collective breaths today with the announcement that Ice skating phenom Ivana Phuque and American Idol Adam Lambert were stepping out of their respective personas to appear as the final act at the Olympics to celebrate International Sportsmanship.
Lambert, who said he always wanted to be a featured ice skater if fate hadn't intervened, will skate as "The Ice Princess", while Ivana will appear on ice as the raping, plundering Viking War Lord intent on sexual conquest.
The Striking Viking, all 6 feet one inch of her, will stalk the Ice Princess in a violent choreographed routine laid out by film writer Quentin Tarantino recently famous for "Inglorious Bastards," and previously for "Reservoir Dogs. .
An Olympic spokesman said the final act on ice will be restricted to ticket holders 18 or older, and there will be a discretionary warning posted on TV coverage prior to the routine.
According to Roman "Muffy" Gabranzki, the Zamboni operator in charge of keeping the ice in tippy top shape, the pair 'simply sizzle' on the ice.
"Adam plays the shy, but seductive maiden to perfection, and his costume is to absolutely to die for! He wears a garland of lilly of the valley as a crown around his head, and his bustier certainly does nothing to hide his 6-pac Abs! He's simply DIVINE!"
Roman says that at first Ivan(a) charges her way on the ice, doing a powerful circle of the area at full throttle, reflecting her gold medal win in speed skating, then becomes more subdued as she tries to seduce the ice maiden with craft and guile, and finally a bouquet of Daffodils...a trick she had picked up while visiting the UK.
"The interplay of erotic emotions will take your breathe away, " continued Roman, "I almost forgot to take the Zamboni out of gear I was so enthralled. "
"The final conquest, where Adam finally relents and they sprawl to the ice in orgasmic release, with Adam sitting on the Viking's face is a classic."
"Adam has a special ice presence; notice the sense of release he portrays as shown by his thrown back head, his delicious exposed throat, the spittle dripping from his succulent lips! It left me with a lump in my heart, not to mention my pants, I defy anyone to say different!"
One Canadian who was picking up loose popcorn bags between the seats wasn't so sure. "What the deuce was that all about, eh? Looked like a couple of fags to me....can see that anywhere today in downtown Montreal, no need to come all this way for a bit of a fag show, Eh?"