BAGHDAD, Iraq -- As we all know, Michael Moore, a well-know chinese film propagandist, was kidnapped in Iraq last week. News did not reach the american public for days as the kidnappers found it quite diffcult to capture footage of Moore's giant body with only one camera lense. Fortunately, after bringing the director outside and backing the camera off by about a half a mile, a proper video was eventually produced for the international media.
"We got a call yesterday from the manager of the Super Eight Motel in Iraq who told us that men in fastfood chain uniforms lured Moore into ambush some 50 metres outside his motel," said Mahmud Al-Azhari, the Iraqi press secretary.
"They easily took him away in a ice-cream truck and one of the kidnappers later contacted the American government to demand that its troops leave Iraq and a ransom of $500,000 be paid," he added.
Almost immediately upon hearing the news, the family of Michael Moore urged American authorities not to intervene, citing the director's significantly large life-insurance policy, their reluctance to dip into their "speedboat" fund, and the fact that he's a fat slob who lived in their basement until he was 35.
After two days without of response to their death threats, the militant kidnappers amended their demands in a taped statement aired on Al-Jazeera: "Fine, the American soldiers can stay but they can't use body armor, tanks, laser guided missles, do-overs, or tag-backs" because they weren't fair.
This morning, after another week had passed, the terrorist conceeded that we could have him back tomorrow if US taxpayers would reinburse them for the massive amount of food they had purchased in order to keep Moore alive so long.
"The Americans have won. We simply want our maintenance costs returned, and please god hurry! His scratchy voice has almost driven me to behead myself! Morever, he keeps complementing us for helping boost his DVD sales. Although I have personally have killed 25 innocent people, I'm sure this guy could easily rival my accomplishments for Asshole of the Year," said one of the unidentified hostage takers.
American officials have maintained their refusal to negotiate with terrorists. "Personally, I am not worried in the least as the gunmens' traditional assassination methods would be useless against Moore. That is, his body is incased with a thick, protective layer of blubber. Like a seal is protected from harsh cold, we suspect this blubber will protect Moore from sword swipes and bullets. (edited)