Rajendra Pachauri, chairman of the scandal-ridden Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC), which shared the 2007 Nobel Peace Prize with former U.S. vice-president Al "Hockey Stick" Gore, is throwing in the towel to return to India and have a go at Bollywood.
In the aftermath of Climategate, which implicated not only the IPCC, the Climate Research Unit at University of East Anglia (Britain), NASA, and scores of climate researchers across the globe in a conspiracy to prove anthropogenic global-warming by doctoring and omitting crucial data that would have refuted the theory, Pachauri has found himself idle and unwelcome in most countries that would have had to shell out "guilt" money to a global governance authority to combat the alleged phenomenon.
Climategate sunk the aspirations and goals of the Copenhagen Climate Conference, which was to lead to a United Nations authority to tax rich, developed nations on the percentages of greenhouse gases they produced to sustain their citizens' standards of living at the purported expense of nations still mired in the Stone or Dark Ages.
"It's time to move on," said the 80-year-old fraudster during an interview in New York City, as he drew his camel-hair sweater closer around himself. "Besides, it's too damned cold here."
Pachauri held a news conference in his lush Beekman Place suite close to U.N. headquarters, attended by most of the news media, to make his announcement. At the pre-news conference reception, his staff served journalists meatless canapés, V8 fruit juice, and curry-cured salads. Journalists also received packs of global-warming playing cards, which depicted endangered polar bears, penguins, and arctic foxes, and AIDS lapel ribbons dyed green.
Pachauri prefaced his retirement from the climate-change business with what he said was a cabal of international dimensions. "I am not wanted here. North Carolina State University is annulling my Industrial Engineering and Economics degrees, and has disinvited me from stepping foot on its campus. The annulment leaves me jobless and without credentials. New York City police issued me a parking ticket, for the first time! My publisher has remaindered my novel, Return To Almora, because they say Indians are ashamed to buy it. I don't know why. It has lots of sex in it. France has asked that I return the Legion of Honor medal it awarded me for my climate efforts, and Toyota and Deustche Bank have barred me from offering them more advice on how to be environmentally responsible."
He paused once to sob. "And my beloved daughter, Rashmi Pachauri-Rajan, has distanced herself from me and petitioned the Indian government to have her named changed to Beryl McTavish!"
"That brings me to my main announcement," said Pachauri, turning to gesture to a portrait of him by Chuck Close that sat on a stand close by. Close, a noted American photorealist artist famous for his "Close-Ups" of chiefly ugly and nondescript persons, which he manages to make even more repulsive, has painted such notables as former president Bill Clinton, whose portrait, "Slick Willy No. 2," now hangs in the National Portrait Gallery in Washington, and Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, whose visage is now on exhibit at the San Francisco Museum of Contemporary Art. Close's meticulous rendering of her, called "Bitch Witch from Macbeth," is on temporary loan from the Arianna Huffington Collection.
Several journalists could be seen averting their eyes from the larger-than-life, ghastly-looking, but hypnotic face staring at them from the stand. "Boy," one newsman was heard to remark, "you wouldn't want to meet that in a dark alley any time."
Another reporter murmured to another: "That portrait would make a great anti-burglary warning sign."
"After Mr. Close sent me this portrait," said Pachauri, "I had a Hinduesque brainstorm. I shall return to my palatial home in Golf Links, New Delhi, for much needed rest and contemplation of my future, and then open an office in Mumble Town -- otherwise known as Mumbai, formerly Bombay -- and go into the horror film business. I shall cast myself in the leads of remakes of many Western classics that starred Lon Chaney, Boris Karloff, and Chucky the Doll. I shall employ such cinematic techniques made famous by Sergio Leone in his spaghetti Westerns. I believe that is what inspired Mr. Close to embark on his unique career. I shall remake the George Romero "Living Dead" movies from Indian and environmental perspectives."
"Why horror movies?" asked a reporter from The New York Post. "Why not emulate Michael Moore and make bogus documentaries? They're cheaper to make and you'd have Washington, Beverly Hills, and the Sundance Festival people on your side, ready to give you free publicity."
"If I cannot frighten the world into responsible Earth-caring with compromised science, I will frighten it with horror films! I wish to make people cringe in guilt and sorrow! I will make them vomit their Earth-hostile popcorn and soda drinks in the theaters. There will be no nice endings in my films. All will be catastrophe. All will die, and the dead shall inherit and roam the Earth, and the Earth will be made eternally pure forever after."
Pachauri, after he came out of his trance, said he will tentatively call his new enterprise -- and he has many enterprises established to take advantage of government regulation of greenhouse gases -- "Shiver Studios." The once-and-future super environmental czar grinned and added, "It's a play on Shiva, the Supreme One. I will not be denied my Krishna-appointed destiny to rule the world. I will be victorious!"
"Sieg heil," muttered one reporter.
But Pachauri heard it and he glared at his audience with a lividness that made the Close portrait pale in comparison. "Who said that??? Who said that??? I will have his press accreditation removed!!"