The Cruise Director for The SS Emerald Banana, a fairly recent cruise ship of 113,000 tonnes, announced that all future cruises would be cancelled until the ship underwent a retro fit for new shower stalls.
While there had been complaints during the previous three years of Caribbean Cruises that the shower stalls were a bit on the wee side, the problem came to the forefront during a recent cruise when the jaws of life were called upon to pry at least 12 obese people from the shower, including one newly wed couple said to be really "compressed' who immediately sought an annulment from the Captain after their ordeal. The couple both testified that no 'penetration' occurred while both were in the stall, although the shower controls had to be changed after being lodged in the grooms ass.
Since it was a 7 day cruise into the tropics the Italian Captain decided in the sense of common decency to open the aft pool after 1 a.m. to all passengers over 350 pounds who wanted to 'clean up." Each bather was provided with a one quart bottle of body wash, and three SS Banana bath mats hastily stitched together by the overworked Philippino seamstress staff already stressed with letting out bermuda shorts, wife beater t-shirts and ultra short mini skirts.
In order to accommodate the fat bastards, approximately 1200 gallons of desalinated water had to be let out of the pool during each bathing session in order to prevent flooding into the adjacent dining area.
During the issuing of what amount to Martial Law in order to respond to the emergency, elevators that commonly accommodated 18 passengers were limited to just 3, the midnight buffet was canceled, and at the evening sitting diners were limited to just four (4) entrees each, including desserts.
Although not yet reported, the ship incurred a $150,000 fine when it was forced to void some of the solid waste holding tanks off St. Maarten in order to handle the added waste supplied by the ravenous tourists.
According to an insider involved in the negotiations, the fine would have been over $1million, but was reduced when the Italian Captain, urged by his British officers, dumped the sewerage off the French side of the island, saying, "they wouldn't know the difference."
Further confusion abounded upon landing in Ft. Lauderdale when departure for regular passengers was delayed until a sling hoist normally used for off loading life stock from Argentina had to be deployed to help the fat bastards off the ship.
Said one disgusted passenger, "I haven't seen so many pigs since I passed through Arkansas!"